Retro RT

Since I've been so busy and haven't been able to post as often as I'd like, here's a vintage RT post from February, 2005 for your enjoyment!

Sunday, February 06, 2005

I'm A Proud Member of PETA

That's right. I'm a member of PETA. Damn proud of it too. I've been a member of it my entire life. "People Eating Tasty Animals". I like animals. Not only do they taste yummy, they're chock-full of essential vitamins, minerals and nutrients. You know why I like eating tasty animals? Well, I was made that way. It's the way nature intended. I'm what they call an Omnivore ( 'Omni' from the Greek meaning don't let your exposed digits near my mouth when I'm really hungry and the 'Vore' from the ancient Celt meaning 'Vore')... All humans are omnivores. It's the way nature intended us to be.

Now I'll let you in on a little biology lesson (not THAT biology, get your mind out of the gutter!) to help you understand more easily what I'm talking about. We (Humans) have diffent teeth (unless you're from the rural part of Yavapai County Arizona, then you have 'Tooth') , four different kinds. All for special purposes. First off, I'll start at the back of the mouth and work my way forward. To the very rear we have "Molars". They're designed to grind up all kinds of tasty morsels into a kind of puree that our stomach can easily digest. Stuff like carrots, chocolate chip cookies and raw or cooked chunks of Tasty Animals.

Next comes the "Bicuspids" these handy-dandy little guys two two jobs in one. The take the large chunks of tasty morsels, and make them into smaller chunks of tasty morsels. Amazing, isn't it?

Now here comes the most fascinating set of chompers. We as a species only have four of these. They're called "Canines"... Know what they're for????? Huh????? Bet you don't know! (This is the squeamish part, so all you Vegans better not read this part.) Well, fair readers, they're for RIPPING AND TEARING RAW FLESH! Yes, as in ANIMALS!!!!! Bears are omnivores. They have the same things we do, only BIGGER and SHARPER!

Lastly, those nice pearly-whites in front and called "Incisors". They're used to bite into Really big chunks of tasty morsels like apples, gingersnaps and the whole hind quarter of a gazelle we've just ran down on the Veld... Well, maybe not that, but you get the picture.

So the lesson today is boys and girls?

It's that were omnivores. We are SUPPOSED to eat meat AND veggies... "Omnivorous" literally "Eats everything/Anything" and we're higher up on the food chain. It's the way its supposed to be! Nature wanted it that way. If I was out on the ocean fishing, and caught a big shark, I'd cook it up and eat it. I've had shark before and it's quite tasty. (No, it does NOT taste like chicken. Only chicken tastes like chicken, It tasted like shark, damnit!!!! I absolutely HATE it when someone compares ANYTHING to chicken! Only chicken tastes like Chicken! Snake tastes like snake! Turtles taste like turtles. Baby seals tastes like.... Who knows? I don't eat them, I only club them to death... But I digress)

In that instance, I'm higher up on the food chain than the shark. But nature is funny sometimes. The food chain is flexible. Ok, not really too flexible. Masses of krill are not going to rise up and eat a baleen whale anytime in the near future. But it is flexible. Ok, just for instance. I'm on the boat and I've had too many ice cold and frosty adult beverages. I slip and fall into the sea. The shark who I didn't catch, but is damn pissed I caught his poker buddy Phil, sees me wallowing around in the water. I'm wallowing because I swim as good as a rock. So this shark, he sees me. He swims over to me. Takes a my left leg off at the knee and swallows it whole. (He's really hungry, so he's forgotten his manners) He thinks; "Hey, this people tastes pretty good!" and then proceeds to devour me.

Well, you'd think I'd be mightily upset at this shark for eating me. I'm not though. Do you know why? Because the very instant I hit the water, that ol' food chain flexed (it's flexible, you know) and at that very instant I became LOWER on the food chain than the shark.

It's nature. It's the way it's supposed to be. I accept that. Hell, I'll eat a salad. I love salads. But give me a giant slab of dead animal with it... Preferably cooked over fire... With lots of Ice-cold frosty adult beverages... And nowhere near any large bodies of water... Now go out and eat everything you see!!!!!!!

Who says science isn't fun and interesting? Now wasn't that more fun that clubbing baby seals?


Copyright 2005 Thomas J Wolfenden

A Word on Goddamn Yardmasters...

Since the beginning of this year's sugar harvest I've been putting up with this goddamn Yardmaster... Every time we turn around this motherfucker has got us doing the dumbest shit... Hence the photograph above... My "BOHICA" T-Shirt from my classic irreverent t-shirt line sold right here on this blog... It stands for Bend Over, Here It Comes Again!" Myself, My Conductor Jay and my Switchman Bill have been getting bent over every night...

Just kidding, Scott!

You're doing one hell of a job up there! Keep on doing what you're doing Brother! I'm really happy you're up there instead of the other alternative. At least you use what's in between your ears!

Keep up the great work, and stop over the house again some morning and we'll have a few frosty~cold adult beverages again! I know you read this from time to time and I remembered that conversation we had at the Tiki Bar that afternoon, so I just couldn't resist breaking your balls!

Now on to other things... A lot of stuff has been happening and every morning when I get home I really haven't felt like doing much of anything except getting some supper, a shower and crawling into bed.

I absolutely love being an engineer but with it comes a lot of responsibility. I'm handling a lot of horsepower, and literally thousands of tons of railroad rolling stock every night... A lot of times with my friends and co-workers riding on the outside of the said equipment. Shoving 30, 40, 50 even 100 cars at a time into tracks. A lot of things can go dreadfully wrong and I've always got that on my mind. It's no wonder that I'm mentally drained at the end of my shift and have let a lot of things slip by the wayside...

Like finally opening my email and finding well over 350 unanswered emails, many from dear and close friends who were wondering if I'd died or not...

Sorry guys, I'll try to be a little better at answering those emails!

And I'll blog a little more!

And speaking of friends... My great friend Bill who's now working with me here is really turning into a real railroader.

I was deeply troubled and worried there for a while, but after he got his shit together he's turned into a real asset on my crew.

I'm really proud of you Bill... Even though you still crack on me about being old.

I'll still kick your ass, you young snot-nosed punk!

And again, speaking of really bad things happening while one is handling really heavy equipment...

The photos above and below are what happened to us around 1 AM on Thanksgiving night.

Happy fucking Thanksgiving!

We had just pulled 31 cars off "C" Dump, where they dump the loaded cane cars into the mill and "kick" them out the other side. Bill had counted me down past the "C" switch, and getting on the point of the shove, he gave me the "Ahead" order on the radio. He was around 1,200 feet way at the point of the shove as I steadily eased the throttle back and gained speed. At around 5 or 6 miles an hour my train felt like it was starting to bog down and it just didn't feel right. It's hard to explain.

Anyway, I immediately knocked off the throttle and instead of rolling to a stop, my train stopped dead.

Ungood.

I got on my radio and asked Bill if anything was wrong and he told me to stand by, he'd look back.

My conductor was way up the track getting us lined into a storage track and came on the radio...

"Bill, are there cars on the ground...?"

"Eh, yeah... Several..."

Oh Shit!

I heard Jay call our Yardmaster and tell him what was happening as I centered the reverser, cut out the generator field and tied a handbrake on the locomotive and walked down to see what mess I had made.

After an investigation it was determined that about mid-way though the cut a thin flange had "picked" a switch, sending about 9 out of the 31 I was shoving over a frog and putting them on the ground.

No one's fault, but I'm really glad no one was hurt. Just a freak accident. I'll tell you one thing though, Bill's face was white as a ghost and I know it scared the living shit out of him... If anthing can be brought out of this on a postive note it all reenforced a really healthy respect for the equipment we use and a better respect for all of us on why it's very important to always be 100% aware of your surroundings when working on the railroad!

Photographs and rambling diatribe Copyright 2009 Thomas J Wolfenden