Wednesday, December 20, 2006

I'm a felon

Yet again I'm having shit happen to me that can only happen to me.
Over the weekend I lost my work ID card somewhere. Normally this wouldn't bother me but it's not only used to get in the rail yard, it's also my time card. If I don't have it I can't punch in or out of work... So it was a priority to get it replaced.
Yesterday I decided to get a whole bunch of chores done and this was one of them. I also was in dire need of a haircut, I had been without for almost three months and I was starting to get this whole Albert Einstein thing going on with my Cobb...
So I leave work yesterday morning and head home. HR doesn't open until 9 so I had some time to kill. I get home and grab the garbage to take out. I toss the bag in the bed of my truck, drive over to the complex's dumpster and toss it in. Standing not far from it is an older woman, I'd put her in her mid 60's watching me. I say good morning to her, get back in my truck and head out. I stop at the barber shop to get my ears lowered and by this time HR is open so I head over there to get my new ID. I get that and head home.
I'm only about five or six blocks away from my place when I noticed the blue lights in my rearview mirror... I pull over wondering what the fuck I could have done this time besides driving a piece of shit truck.
Making a very long story shorter... Apparently that old bitch I saw in my condo complex earlier call the FUCKING POLICE on me and reported that I had been DUMPING ILLEGALLY!
I began thinking I was right smack~dab in the middle of Arlo Guthrie's "Alice's Restaurant"...
"There I was sitting on the Group 'W' bench with all the Father-rapers and mother rapers... 'Kid' Sez one, what are you here for? 'Well sez I, I was picked up for litterin' And they all moved away from me..."
To make matters worse the cop wasn't buying that I actually lived where I said I did... I have an Arizona driver's license and my truck is still registered in West Virginia... So after about 30 minutes talking to this pinhead I convinced him to drive me over there and I'll let him into MY fucking condo with MY fucking key to fucking PROVE I fucking live there.
I was never that much of a fucking asshole when I was a cop, I can assure you all of that. And I never was that much of a nosy, narrow-minded busybody like that fucking bitch I have for a neighbor.
I'm soooo fucking sorry I worked all night and came home with soiled work clothes on instead of dockers, loafers and a golf shirt and parked my slightly soiled 88' Ford Ranger pickup next to your Lexus and cramped your style.
Fucking (insert that four-letter word starting with the letter "C" here)!
Copyright 2006 Thomas J Wolfenden

17 comments:

Leazwell said...

Come, come, the "C" word? She's sixtyish. You give her too much credit. I doubt she trades much on that now.

jdennis115 said...

What you need is a severed horse's head, some quiet shoes....

AlaskaJen said...

That's it - my family has gone off you! You, you felon you!!! LOL!

Nice to know that the crime rate is SO low that Barney has time to be all ove rthe raging littering problem...

Kat_womanx2 said...

lol...still the shit magnet I see...

mist1 said...

I've never been good at word games. Give me another clue.

tsduff said...

You should have put on your groucho marx mask...a pox be on those mistaken busybodies anyway.

Mushy said...

Makes you want to smell Meth coming from her condo - don't it?

cmk said...

Some people have WAY too much time on their hands! Maybe if she had a hobby she wouldn't be looking for criminals around every dumpster! ;)

Burg said...

What a nice lady.. :P

Courtney said...

Gotta love the nosy neighbors...so do they have computers in jail??? LOL

Kev said...

You know that the moment you have the slightest violation to report about her, you have to it, right?

Anything. I mean anything!

Outdoorsy Girl said...

Only you, RT!

Lisa said...

I live in an area like that. Where if you go to Target without make-up in your painting clothes, you get dirty looks like you shouldn't be there. Its TARGET for Christ sakes. Sounds like you live in an upscale place. There, appearances are everything. Unfortunately. And yes, it IS stupid. As for those children's books, can I get two of each? heehee.


Hope your holidays are happy!

Crazy Me said...

She sounds like a real sweetie!

Colin said...

Sounds like she needs the burning paper bag trick on her doorstep Tom.

Merry Xmas mate!

Fathairybastard said...

Dude, old geezers can be such a pain in the ass. My neighbors are all old fuckers with no life. One guy sits on the porch in his wheelchair and watches the street half the day. However, when the house was robbed a year ago, no one saw a thing. Useless. At least I don't have someone's kids riding bikes through my yard, bouncing balls against my garage door and shit.

weatherchazer said...

Hey, sounds like my neighbors...oh wait, that's my mom and sister- what the hell was I thinking!