Saturday, December 30, 2006

An apology to my loyal readers (who just happen to be women)

I wasn't going to write this or post it at all but since I started this blog as my own way of therapy in getting over my divorce and discovering the new Ranger Tom I think it's appropriate. Through this outlet I've found a wonderful way of letting my feelings out and letting the bitterness slowly fade. I've been able to be the real me for once in my life, not putting up any walls or defenses, not listening to anyone's unsolicited advice, or putting up a facade.
You got to see the real me, warts and all...
And it was liberating.
And with this new found liberation I was able to really go forward with my dream of becoming a railroad engineer. Without you all I most probably have "settled" over a year and a half ago and taken the job as town cop in Athens, WV like everyone there was begging me to do... And spiraled down into my old miserable self that I had grown to loathe.
So for this, my dear readers I thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me that kick-start of confidence I had been missing all those years, and finally did something about my dream.
Here's where my apology to you ladies comes in.
Over the last several weeks I've been getting emails from my readers. I'm not going to mention any names, but several are from people who have been with me from almost the very beginning and have almost grown to know me like family. I've been told I was their cup of coffee in the morning.
These emails have been asking me where I've been, that sort of thing, they miss me... That was the nice part... They also went on to tell me I've somehow changed, I'm not the same RT they've grown to know... Somehow I've been holding back.
And I have.
Ironic how people who don't even know me see right through me sometimes.
"Hey RT, how come you don't post on my blog anymore? I miss your comments!!!"
Well, because that even though the majority of my readers are women, I didn't plan it out to be that way. I didn't care if anyone ever read any of my shit. Even though most of you are women, I've never once hit on any one of you... Sent you suggestive emails or anything of that nature. Beyond the flirty or racy comments here and there, they were all harmless. Most of you are married or in long-term relationships and I've said a thousand times I don't hit on women who are already taken... And you all knew that.
Every one of you can attest to that.
But.
But...
Recently I've become stifled to the point of stagnation because the woman I'm seeing can't or won't see it that way.
When the person reads my reader's comments they then must go onto their blog in turn to read what I've written I'd get:
"What did you mean by what you said on such and such's blog?" or "Why did you say that on whosiface's blog...?"
What the ever loving FUCK!
So for the last several weeks I've just not been posting a lot and not even commenting on your blogs and for this I'm sorry.
I'm not going to watch what I say anymore, nor will I stifle my own dreams or let me be drawn into someone else's dreams or ideas of what my happiness should be, and how could I not be happy if I don't fit into her little idea of utopia with it's time-lines and rigid geographical boundaries.
I could go on but I won't. I'm physically and emotionally drained at this point, but again, my dear readers who just happen to have ovaries, please accept my deepest apologies for my absence.
The old new Ranger Tom is back!
Copyright 2006 Thomas J Wolfenden

25 comments:

AlaskaJen said...

It was never my intention of stifling you Tom, I fell in love with you warts and all. I was just under the impression that a relationship was also about compromise and about two people helping each other grow to be the best they could.

I completly respect your dreams and feel fortunate that I fell for you right when you were seeing them finally realized. I have also missed your posts. When we were getting to know each other and Iwould go back and read your previous posts, I looked forward to being part of your life so that you wouldn't ever have to feel that kind of pain again.

But I also had needs in a relationship that are equally as valid as your needs. I need to be able to talk to the man in my life about things. I have been struggling on my own to find a balance of respecting what you needed to pursue and succeed in your dreams as well as have some support and consistency from you and what my expectaions of a relationship are.

Long distance relationships suck. But when you told me that you were persistent, I thought we had a chance. Yes I did ask you about some of your comments, but never in a mean or vindictive way. But I was confused when you said that you loved me and wanted a life with me, and would contradict that in what you wrote. I thought that our conversations were leading to better communication between us.

You are a very special man and some woman will be lucky to have you in her life. You have no idea how sad I am that it wasn't me after all.

You asked for time, you have it. I sincerely hope you have a wonderful life but you broke my heart and I can't have you in my life anymore.

Mushy said...

Damn Tom I don't know what to say. I'm sure I'm not one who did anything for you, because I came upon your blog late (too late). If you had been around after either of my divorces, I might not have drank nearly as much. Maybe we could have talked things out.

I may be late in coming, but I'm here and you can find my email address on my blog. I have big ears and a closed mouth. Seriously, anytime.

Maybe you ought to give her a little more thought and a little time apart, but there may be something there for ya. Whatever, I'm with ya.

'Course...there are lots of fish in the sea and some that'll jump in your boat no matter what your boat looks like too!

I took me 3 times, but I found one that takes me as I am. They're out there...you just have to have the patience and courage to sort through them all.

Kat_womanx2 said...

Oh Jeez!!! This is not happening!!! Tom, I know you have that wall...the one that looks just like mine remember??? Enlighten Jen to more of what you are really like...I think you two really have something special...don't let something this ridiculous ruin that.

cmk said...

You remain, as always, in my thoughts and prayers. 'Nuff said.

Burg said...

Wow..

I just figured you were really busy.

Burg said...

Wow..

I just figured you were really busy.

Burg said...

Oops. I didn't mean to post that twice.

Bev said...

Um...aside from all that, belated happy birthday. Hope it was a good one.

Outdoorsy Girl said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Outdoorsy Girl said...

I did wonder what happened to your regular comments, had figured that your life had become very busy. (which I am sure that is part of it, too)

I hope that everything works out for you!

DivineMsN said...

I think this is a pretty fucking shitty thing to do. Why are you shouting this out to people instead of talking to the girl in private? If you are going to end it with her do it in a private, respectable, adult manner. I regret ever having been a part of you two meeting each other. Have a good life Tom you miserable ass. AK move on, he isnt worth your time or typing.

Kev said...

Wow, Tom, I never thought you to be such a whiney little bitch.

Don't get me wrong. I knew you were a jackass. And I don't mean that in a bad way at all. Being a jackass was all part of your charm. It's what drew all of us to you in the first place. We've (we being your loyal readers (some of whom happen to be men)) all grown to love you as the "slightly bitter divorced ex-cop" (or however you phrased it). If you weren't a jackass, none of us would have stuck around. None of us would have grown to like and respect you as much as we all do.

Well, respect you as much as we did.

The line between stubborn-yet-charming jackass sticking it to the system and whiney little bitch isn't a thin line at all, but boy-howdy did you ever just go sailing across it.

I fall into the category of loyal readers who have been here since almost the beginning. I have been amazed (dare I say envious) at the number of women who have been drawn to your blog. You even credit those women with helping you pursue your true goals, follow your dreams, achieve your yadda yadda yadda; yet now you go and do this?

Ladies (for those loyal readers who just happen to be women), which of you has not had a boyfriend or husband or whatever title your significant other carried take stock of his insecurities and suddenly decide that since his fragile male ego can't be the cause of his misery, it must be you. You lucky ones out there didn't suffer through this, but I'll bet that you've had to console a friend who has. What did that guy do? Make a scene at a social function? Perhaps in front of family or friends?

How about on the internet, for everybody to see?

Tom, in your previous post you went off on this tangent about how your job was your life, nothing else. Alaska Jen rightly pointed out that there is more to life than a job. You ain't gonna work forever, you know. True, doing work you love is important. But at some point you have leave it behind. Then you are left with fond memories of having a chance to have done what you loved with your life and maybe someone with whom to share those memories.

For that little comment you've stopped talking to her? And worse, you ripped her a new one in front of us, your "familiy" of loyal readers (some of whom just happen to be women)?

Tom, that was a f**king gutless (not to mention rude, unfair, and just plain sad) thing to do. You owe apologies to a number of people, not least of whom the woman who you tout as your "soulmate".

(By the way, I became a reader of yours because I wanted to see where my beloved Ms N was posting. And I started reading Mist because I found her posts here. And I've added a few others to my blogroll because I've followed links of other people I like. Guess what, that's how things happen in the blogosphere.)

So what will it be? Are you going to be a man and actually speak to her? It would take cajones, true, but you claim to have gotten them back in your possession after the divorce.

Or are you just going to be a whiney little bitch?

Carolyn said...

Goodness! Afraid there's nothing I can say about the personal bits here because it isn't any of my business. However, I can't even recall how we came to read each other's blogs, even though when you lived in Athens I was living in Pipestem and we never even met. My only fear was that you'd catch me speeding thru Athens one day, lol!

I just remember thinking how cool it was to have a blogger so close by, and I enjoyed your witty stories about the fire dept and folks around town there. I grew up outside of Athens and graduated from AHS, so I'm quite familiar with the dorkier side of town, hehe! My husband even had a chuckle or 2 over those ;D

I do hope you continue to write however, because you are very good at it. I'll keep reading your stories if you do.

Hey, we ALL make mistakes, and here comes a new year to start a clean slate! Happy New Year, Tom!

Ranger Tom said...

Kev & MsN: Ok, I deserve that... To an extent, and I'm not going to go into everything because THAT would be truly unfair to everyone. All I can reply to what you both said is that you've only heard one side of the whole story.

I told her I'd talk to her AFTER I had time to cool down and think things over in my head... Told her I'd talk to her Monday but yet after I told her this my phone kept on ringing, ringing so much I did what I never do, shut off the ringer so I could get some sleep.

I know I'm sounding selfish, but that's a two-way street. I have been working so many hours I don't have the time to think about anything beyond the next day, let alone the next few months or years right now.

Maybe it'll be different once the crop is over. All I know is in every relationship there's two sides to the story, and no one person is ever at fault. I was just as much at fault in my apathy towards life and my ex-wife than it was my ex's cheating on me.

I'm a work in progress. I'm not perfect, not by a long shot, but I'm not going to use that as an excuse. There is no excuse. But I'm not going to go into everything here like I said, that wouldn't be fair to anyone, AJ or me, and whether you beleive me or not I do still care for her deeply and never set out to hurt her and I'm sorry it cam down to that.

cmk said...

Okay, people, here's my two cents worth--and I have NO idea WHAT is going on! NOBODY but the two people involved know EXACTLY what has happened--give BOTH Tom and AJ a break. Take whatever side you want, be loyal to whoever you want, but let's not get into any kind of pissing contest here.

Fathairybastard said...

What she said.

AlaskaJen said...

Tom is right. He did ask me to wait until Monday to talk to him, and I completely paniced and called his house incessantly becasue I was and still am afraid. Of a lot of things. We have both been really hurt in a significant relationship and both of us have red flags that go off really easily. But I also come from the persepctive of it's fine to have a cooling off period but both sides should at least know what it is that they're cooling off about first...

I also really did not want to ring in the New Year, which I thought was on the one hand going to suck because I wouldn't be with the man that I love but on the on the other would hold such promise because I had found the man that I was meant to be with. But I really did not want to spend tonight thinking how that has slipped away because of a misunderstanding.

For the record and the rest of the known universe, Kev has been one of my best friends since high school and "introduced" Tom and I. So there is definitely a bias there. :o) While I completely appreciate the fact that both he and Ms. N haved aloud me HUGE leeway in intruding on their New Year's celebrations, both of them have been there for me in the past few days for more than just this blog row. SO thank you both, I appreciate it, but I don't share that feeling that you, Tom, aren't worth it. And when they made their comments they knew as much of your side of the story as I know. They knew about the phone calls and the I'll talk to you Monday and also knew that having come throught a long distance relationship that the only way to get throught them is to talk it out.

You didn't give me that chance Tom.

Unfortunately the only medium you have left availble to me to communicate to you is your blog, and I really would have liked to keep this between us. Now my family is involved (my sister found your blog) etc. So on top of the other crises that I've been having, which I really could have used your suppport on, I've had to deal with my family's intrusion into what was really quite personal and private.

I'm a work in progress too. I way overanalyze things, I can certainly be emotional, I have both very good baggage and very not so great baggage, I have emotional scars that flare up just like you. I'm also at a place where I have for the first time felt like I have made major in-roads into living my life by my terms and have actually been sucessful at it. The difference as I see it is that I want you to be a part of my life and share in it and I have nudged things around to make room for you.

You have been working an insane number of hours with no breaks. I know that is physically and emotionally draining. I can tell that you're really run down which is exactly why I haven't brought up anything like, "hey you don't seem to be your old self" or "so when are you planning on asking me to share a life together" I'm not an idiot, so please don't mistake me trying to be sensitive to your needs for a lack of insight. I have made 3 requests of you and your blog: 1)Warn me ahead of time about gross things (eg mummified frogs and lizards) 2)Give me a heads up about the important things (it is nice to find out about the significant events in your boyfriends life BEFORE the rest of the know universe) 3) Please don't drag me throug the mud when you're pissed at me.

You've been great about all three until now. It would have been really easy to shoot me an email to say -hey by the way when you read my post today, it isn't about you and I'll tell you what's been going on later when we talk. Crisis completely averted.

Before this job started and we were "phone dating" we talked about the kind of relationship that we wanted and we both said a partnership.

Which leads to another point that you're right about. This is supposed to be a two-way street. Which means that when you say that you're going to be there for me, you are. Even if you're pissed off, that doesn't give you the right to take a hiatus from the relationship altogether. Between raising the small person, buying a house, moving, school, a full-time job, the holidays, my own health issues and trying to keep up my end of our relationship, my stress level is definitely up there. That wouldn't be a legitmate excuse for decising to say to you "I'm pissed off but I won't say why so I'm not going to talk to you." Which is exactly what I got from you. That wasn't fair to me and certainly wasn't in keeping with the man that I know who doesn't treat his friends like that.

And the truly ironic part is, as least as far as I know, you are pissed off at me because you made an assumption about my comment on your previous post. I was not talking about "If you love me you will move to Alaska." I was concerned that that from the tone of your post the ONLY thing you were taking into consideration was your job. I don't pretend to tell you where to go but if you wnat this to be more than a friends with benfits relationship then I will insist on there being a OPEN line of communication between us. And I would REALLY appreciate it not being your blog! If you don't feel that you are at a place in your life where that's is something that is important to you, then that's what you need to let me know. Because beyond irritation at you choosing to shut me out for the last few days, beyond frustration at your stubborness, beyond being afraid that you're jsut goign to say fuck it all, I'm really freakin' confused.

You have no idea how much I was hoping that you would let your barriers down just a little bit today and at least want to say hi. I've really needed you, today in particular. If only to hear your voice and have you talk me thorugh my own fears about being on my own with the small person. It's great to have friends, but sometimes you really need to be able to talk to the man that you love. I've really missed you.

I really hope you that you will decide that what we have had up until this point is special and worth the effort of at least talking to me. I don't know for sure that it can be put back together. But I would like to try.

At this point though you've waited so long it doesn't seem likely.

For once I would be glad to be wrong.

mist1 said...

I'm glad you posted this. A long time ago, I was writing a novel. I shared a draft with a man that I was seriously dating. He flipped out. He searched for himself in the characters. He took it very personally. I fonund it so stifling to write for months afterwards. I abandoned the novel. I regret it.

Reba said...

I am sorry that this is happening and that people aren't happy with you posting about this. However as you said this blog is your outlet, so it is there for this very purpose.

You didn't give too much detail. Just enough to let people know that there was something going on in you life.

I also agree that a job can make or break someone. If you don't like your job you will not be happy at home or fun to be around. So you keep on striving for your dreams. Our dreams make us who we are.

weatherchazer said...

Hmmm...well. Sounds like where I've been before. I don't take advice, so I'm not offering any. Just know that some of us know what it's like.

MissMuffin'sMuses said...

I'm kinda new around here but wanted to say hello.

Crazy Me said...

Wow! I don't really have anything to say and it isn't my place anyway but I hope you guys get through this.

Courtney said...

Wow - I really hope you can find a place where you can both be happy and work it all out.

tsduff said...

I just think you are funny. I have enjoyed reading your day to day anecdotes, and was thrilled when you got the job of your dreams: working on trains. We are all in there hoping to find the same happiness I think. That,s all. Happy New Year Tom -

Woodrow said...

My bad. I was looking for RT's blog and somehow ended up in soap opera digest.

I'm reminded of the excerpt from "Islands In The Stream" that I posted a while back.