Saturday, August 21, 2010

A Fairy Tale for Guys...

Once upon a time there was a handsome Prince who was dating a beautiful Princess.

One day the handsome Prince got sick of the beautiful Princess's bullshit and told her to piss off.

And he then proceeded to ride his Harley~Davidson, went fishing and hunting, played poker with his buddies, drank beer and stayed up late watching war movies, watched football in his underwear, farted and belched, scratched his balls...

Ogled girls half his age, walked around the house naked, left the toilet seat up and had tons of money in the bank.

And he lived happily ever after.

Copyright 2010 Thomas J Wolfenden
Photo pinched from the interweb/googlenet

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Felony Stupid

I know this is old news, but yet again this story was on the news this morning... And it still has me baffled and wondering just how stupid some people can be.

In a nutshell, these three mental midgets pictured above were taken prisoner by Iranian border guards while "hiking" along the border between Iraq and Iran last year and are still being held prisoner by the Iranian Government and are charged as American spies.

While I don't hold much faith in the Central Intelligence Agency as a whole, I do believe they'd come up with a better cover story if they were spies.

So this leaves me to believe that these three Americans are just plain stupid... Because who in their right mind is going to go on a vacation camping and hiking in the middle of a war? Along a border between two countries who absolutely hate each other?

I mean, come on! How fucking stupid can you be?

It would be like a British couple, in the middle of the Blitz in 1940 London,having this conversation:

Nigel: "Well, love, the raid is over..."

Penelope: "Yes Dear, Have you thought about where we're going on Holiday yet?"

Nigel: "Yes Love. I'm led to believe the North of France is simply lovely this time of year!"

Penelope: "Oh smashing! Shall we?"

Nigel: "Lets!"

Penelope: "Shall I put tea on?"

I mean, where the fuck was your brain, idiots?

If they are guilty of anything it's being a couple of complete fucking morons.

Copyright 2010 Thomas J Wolfenden
Photo pinched from the interweb/googlenet

Sunday, August 01, 2010

Why Me?

OK. Most of you who've been following my blog for a while know how, ehem... blessed with this uncanny ability to attract the wrong women...

For the last few months I had been dating a woman. She was, and still is a very nice person who meant really well... But again, even after several conversations about this, she insisted on smothering me and mothering me.

I seem to attract three types of women: The first is the psychotic stalker type, second is the woman who is on the surface a intelligent, educated woman but a complete moron, and the third, which I find the most infuriating, the woman who insists I need a mother and wants to "Take Care of Me".

The third is also the most 'clingy"...

I couldn't take a shit without her knowing about it.

Well, not really, but it felt that way.

Few examples below...

I'd get a call, every day, on her 10 AM smoke break... Then another at noon, then at 2PM... Then on her way home from work... Then before dinner... Then before bed...

Every damn day!

Then, when she'd be over my house... She'd talk to me a lot of times like I was her 6 Year old son... "Here, let me help you with that" or "Would you eat this? Is this something you'd eat...?"

What the fuck!

If I needed help, I'd ask for it!

I'm 44 and have been on my own since I was 17. I had a mom and don't need another one. I can take care of myself pretty well, thank you.

I need a partner... Not a Mother!

Back to the clinginess... I was really getting sick of these phone calls... I could see if something happened... But it was mostly like this:

Her: "Hi! What are you doing?"

Me: "Eh, drinking a cup of coffee, watching the news.... You?"

Her: "Nothing, just on break..."

Me: " Ooookay..."

Her: "Did you eat anything?"

Me: "No..."

Her: "Well, you really should eat something..."

Here's were the blood would start to shoot out of my eyes... I DO NOT EAT BREAKFAST! I had told her this over and over again... I just drink a few cups of coffee in the morning when I first get up. Maybe a few hours later I'll get a bite to eat. I've been like that for years, ok? I know it's not really healthy, but it's the way I am. The mere thought of food when I first get up makes me nauseous.

But still over and over again she'd persist on trying to make me eat something in the morning.

Mothering me.

It was infuriating!

Another thing was this... She'd spend the weekend and we'd get up in the morning and I'd put the coffee on, go out and get my newspaper and sit on my porch with a cup of coffee, a smoke and do the LA Times crossword...

It's my "Zen" time...

She'd come out and join me, still trying to get me to eat something... Then not shut the fuck up!

"What are you thinking?"

And I'd be thinking "I need a six letter word for shut the fuck up!"

Then later... Getting dressed I get this:

"You're not going out like that, are you?"

"What? It's a T-Shirt, shorts and sandals!" (and believe it or not, everything matched...)

"Well, you really should let me take you clothes shopping..."

Oh, here we go. Trying to dress me now...

"Yes, I'm going out dressed like this... It's 10 AM, already 95 F and we're going to an outside Flea Market!"

What ever happened to the time when two people were dating and after a nice night (or next morning) you parted ways, and made plans for the next weekend... "I had a great night, I'll give you a call Thursday and we'll make plans for next weekend?" And left it at that?

What is is with people who have to talk to one another every damn day several times a day? My best friend and I maybe talk once a month... And we're both OK with that.

You guys really should have seen the look on her face when she found out my cell phone wouldn't work in Australia... It was classic!

The final straw was a few weeks ago...

I had told her there was a program on the Science Channel I really wanted to watch one night. A marathon of "Through the wormhole with Morgan Freeman", which was going to play into the wee hours.

I told her I'd give her a phone call when I got up...

Again, those of you who read this blog regularly know how I work during sugar harvest season. Seven day's a week, no break for months. I'm a slave to the alarm clock and maybe only get 4 or 5 hours' sleep a night.

In the summer I want to go to bed when I want to, and get up when I want to... Sleep as long as I want.

So I tell her I'd call her the next day when I got up.

OK sez she...

I stay up, watch the shows (which were very cool, BTW) and didn't get to bed until 5 AM...

10:30 in the fucking morning my phone goes off...

Me: "Hullo?"

Her: "Are you OK? I was worried about you!"

What fucking part of I'll call you when I GET THE FUCK UP didn't you FUCKING understand????

Here's another time that in a way might be TMI, but it's worth relating... one day I had, well, a little 'intestinal problem' and was somewhere in my house I couldn't leave at the moment. My cell phone went off, and of course I couldn't get to it... It goes to voice mail and three seconds later my house phone goes off... Again I couldn't get to it... This pattern went of for several minutes...

Finally I get to my phones and see it was her... I call her back... They're had to be some emergency...

She just wanted to say Hi...

One more thing... Sitting in on a Saturday night... Just finished up with supper and no plans to go out, just hang around the house... The remote is gone, she's got it and some chick movie is now on TV on the Lifetime Network... but at the same time her face is buried in her laptop playing that moronic farmville shit on Facebook... I grab the remote to change the channel because she's obviously not watching the TV...

"I was watching that..."

I'm done.

I'd rather live alone than to put up with this shit.

I do not need a mother, someone to take care of me, someone who has to be attached at the hip and know my thoughts and actions during every waking moment of every day.

Or maybe it's just me... I'm the wrong one here.

In the meantime I'll be alone and be happy.

Copyright 2010 Thomas J Wolfenden