I wasn't going to write this or post it at all but since I started this blog as my own way of therapy in getting over my divorce and discovering the new Ranger Tom I think it's appropriate. Through this outlet I've found a wonderful way of letting my feelings out and letting the bitterness slowly fade. I've been able to be the real me for once in my life, not putting up any walls or defenses, not listening to anyone's unsolicited advice, or putting up a facade.
You got to see the real me, warts and all...
And it was liberating.
And with this new found liberation I was able to really go forward with my dream of becoming a railroad engineer. Without you all I most probably have "settled" over a year and a half ago and taken the job as town cop in Athens, WV like everyone there was begging me to do... And spiraled down into my old miserable self that I had grown to loathe.
So for this, my dear readers I thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me that kick-start of confidence I had been missing all those years, and finally did something about my dream.
Here's where my apology to you ladies comes in.
Over the last several weeks I've been getting emails from my readers. I'm not going to mention any names, but several are from people who have been with me from almost the very beginning and have almost grown to know me like family. I've been told I was their cup of coffee in the morning.
These emails have been asking me where I've been, that sort of thing, they miss me... That was the nice part... They also went on to tell me I've somehow changed, I'm not the same RT they've grown to know... Somehow I've been holding back.
And I have.
Ironic how people who don't even know me see right through me sometimes.
"Hey RT, how come you don't post on my blog anymore? I miss your comments!!!"
Well, because that even though the majority of my readers are women, I didn't plan it out to be that way. I didn't care if anyone ever read any of my shit. Even though most of you are women, I've never once hit on any one of you... Sent you suggestive emails or anything of that nature. Beyond the flirty or racy comments here and there, they were all harmless. Most of you are married or in long-term relationships and I've said a thousand times I don't hit on women who are already taken... And you all knew that.
Every one of you can attest to that.
But.
But...
Recently I've become stifled to the point of stagnation because the woman I'm seeing can't or won't see it that way.
When the person reads my reader's comments they then must go onto their blog in turn to read what I've written I'd get:
"What did you mean by what you said on such and such's blog?" or "Why did you say that on whosiface's blog...?"
What the ever loving FUCK!
So for the last several weeks I've just not been posting a lot and not even commenting on your blogs and for this I'm sorry.
I'm not going to watch what I say anymore, nor will I stifle my own dreams or let me be drawn into someone else's dreams or ideas of what my happiness should be, and how could I not be happy if I don't fit into her little idea of utopia with it's time-lines and rigid geographical boundaries.
I could go on but I won't. I'm physically and emotionally drained at this point, but again, my dear readers who just happen to have ovaries, please accept my deepest apologies for my absence.
The old new Ranger Tom is back!
Copyright 2006 Thomas J Wolfenden
23 comments:
Damn Tom I don't know what to say. I'm sure I'm not one who did anything for you, because I came upon your blog late (too late). If you had been around after either of my divorces, I might not have drank nearly as much. Maybe we could have talked things out.
I may be late in coming, but I'm here and you can find my email address on my blog. I have big ears and a closed mouth. Seriously, anytime.
Maybe you ought to give her a little more thought and a little time apart, but there may be something there for ya. Whatever, I'm with ya.
'Course...there are lots of fish in the sea and some that'll jump in your boat no matter what your boat looks like too!
I took me 3 times, but I found one that takes me as I am. They're out there...you just have to have the patience and courage to sort through them all.
Oh Jeez!!! This is not happening!!! Tom, I know you have that wall...the one that looks just like mine remember??? Enlighten Jen to more of what you are really like...I think you two really have something special...don't let something this ridiculous ruin that.
You remain, as always, in my thoughts and prayers. 'Nuff said.
Wow..
I just figured you were really busy.
Wow..
I just figured you were really busy.
Oops. I didn't mean to post that twice.
Um...aside from all that, belated happy birthday. Hope it was a good one.
I did wonder what happened to your regular comments, had figured that your life had become very busy. (which I am sure that is part of it, too)
I hope that everything works out for you!
I think this is a pretty fucking shitty thing to do. Why are you shouting this out to people instead of talking to the girl in private? If you are going to end it with her do it in a private, respectable, adult manner. I regret ever having been a part of you two meeting each other. Have a good life Tom you miserable ass. AK move on, he isnt worth your time or typing.
Wow, Tom, I never thought you to be such a whiney little bitch.
Don't get me wrong. I knew you were a jackass. And I don't mean that in a bad way at all. Being a jackass was all part of your charm. It's what drew all of us to you in the first place. We've (we being your loyal readers (some of whom happen to be men)) all grown to love you as the "slightly bitter divorced ex-cop" (or however you phrased it). If you weren't a jackass, none of us would have stuck around. None of us would have grown to like and respect you as much as we all do.
Well, respect you as much as we did.
The line between stubborn-yet-charming jackass sticking it to the system and whiney little bitch isn't a thin line at all, but boy-howdy did you ever just go sailing across it.
I fall into the category of loyal readers who have been here since almost the beginning. I have been amazed (dare I say envious) at the number of women who have been drawn to your blog. You even credit those women with helping you pursue your true goals, follow your dreams, achieve your yadda yadda yadda; yet now you go and do this?
Ladies (for those loyal readers who just happen to be women), which of you has not had a boyfriend or husband or whatever title your significant other carried take stock of his insecurities and suddenly decide that since his fragile male ego can't be the cause of his misery, it must be you. You lucky ones out there didn't suffer through this, but I'll bet that you've had to console a friend who has. What did that guy do? Make a scene at a social function? Perhaps in front of family or friends?
How about on the internet, for everybody to see?
Tom, in your previous post you went off on this tangent about how your job was your life, nothing else. Alaska Jen rightly pointed out that there is more to life than a job. You ain't gonna work forever, you know. True, doing work you love is important. But at some point you have leave it behind. Then you are left with fond memories of having a chance to have done what you loved with your life and maybe someone with whom to share those memories.
For that little comment you've stopped talking to her? And worse, you ripped her a new one in front of us, your "familiy" of loyal readers (some of whom just happen to be women)?
Tom, that was a f**king gutless (not to mention rude, unfair, and just plain sad) thing to do. You owe apologies to a number of people, not least of whom the woman who you tout as your "soulmate".
(By the way, I became a reader of yours because I wanted to see where my beloved Ms N was posting. And I started reading Mist because I found her posts here. And I've added a few others to my blogroll because I've followed links of other people I like. Guess what, that's how things happen in the blogosphere.)
So what will it be? Are you going to be a man and actually speak to her? It would take cajones, true, but you claim to have gotten them back in your possession after the divorce.
Or are you just going to be a whiney little bitch?
Goodness! Afraid there's nothing I can say about the personal bits here because it isn't any of my business. However, I can't even recall how we came to read each other's blogs, even though when you lived in Athens I was living in Pipestem and we never even met. My only fear was that you'd catch me speeding thru Athens one day, lol!
I just remember thinking how cool it was to have a blogger so close by, and I enjoyed your witty stories about the fire dept and folks around town there. I grew up outside of Athens and graduated from AHS, so I'm quite familiar with the dorkier side of town, hehe! My husband even had a chuckle or 2 over those ;D
I do hope you continue to write however, because you are very good at it. I'll keep reading your stories if you do.
Hey, we ALL make mistakes, and here comes a new year to start a clean slate! Happy New Year, Tom!
Kev & MsN: Ok, I deserve that... To an extent, and I'm not going to go into everything because THAT would be truly unfair to everyone. All I can reply to what you both said is that you've only heard one side of the whole story.
I told her I'd talk to her AFTER I had time to cool down and think things over in my head... Told her I'd talk to her Monday but yet after I told her this my phone kept on ringing, ringing so much I did what I never do, shut off the ringer so I could get some sleep.
I know I'm sounding selfish, but that's a two-way street. I have been working so many hours I don't have the time to think about anything beyond the next day, let alone the next few months or years right now.
Maybe it'll be different once the crop is over. All I know is in every relationship there's two sides to the story, and no one person is ever at fault. I was just as much at fault in my apathy towards life and my ex-wife than it was my ex's cheating on me.
I'm a work in progress. I'm not perfect, not by a long shot, but I'm not going to use that as an excuse. There is no excuse. But I'm not going to go into everything here like I said, that wouldn't be fair to anyone, AJ or me, and whether you beleive me or not I do still care for her deeply and never set out to hurt her and I'm sorry it cam down to that.
Okay, people, here's my two cents worth--and I have NO idea WHAT is going on! NOBODY but the two people involved know EXACTLY what has happened--give BOTH Tom and AJ a break. Take whatever side you want, be loyal to whoever you want, but let's not get into any kind of pissing contest here.
What she said.
I'm glad you posted this. A long time ago, I was writing a novel. I shared a draft with a man that I was seriously dating. He flipped out. He searched for himself in the characters. He took it very personally. I fonund it so stifling to write for months afterwards. I abandoned the novel. I regret it.
I am sorry that this is happening and that people aren't happy with you posting about this. However as you said this blog is your outlet, so it is there for this very purpose.
You didn't give too much detail. Just enough to let people know that there was something going on in you life.
I also agree that a job can make or break someone. If you don't like your job you will not be happy at home or fun to be around. So you keep on striving for your dreams. Our dreams make us who we are.
Hmmm...well. Sounds like where I've been before. I don't take advice, so I'm not offering any. Just know that some of us know what it's like.
I'm kinda new around here but wanted to say hello.
Wow! I don't really have anything to say and it isn't my place anyway but I hope you guys get through this.
Wow - I really hope you can find a place where you can both be happy and work it all out.
I just think you are funny. I have enjoyed reading your day to day anecdotes, and was thrilled when you got the job of your dreams: working on trains. We are all in there hoping to find the same happiness I think. That,s all. Happy New Year Tom -
My bad. I was looking for RT's blog and somehow ended up in soap opera digest.
I'm reminded of the excerpt from "Islands In The Stream" that I posted a while back.
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