I'm either a really huge nut magnet

Or a really huge asshole...

I'm leaning towards the latter.

Let me do a little splainin'... A while ago I met a woman at the Tiki Bar here in town. Contrary to popular belief I do not got to the pub after work to "pick up" women, I go to unwind for a while and bullshit with friends. So it was unusual for me to "chat up" a woman in the first place considering I had met my ex-wife in a bar and swore I'd never do that again.

So against my better judgment, I bought this, ehem, lady a drink and we started talking. A short while later we'd exchanged numbers and agreed to a date the following Friday.

During this conversation I had made it perfectly clear I wasn't looking for a new wife, nor did I need anyone to "take care of me" in any way, shape or form, and the most important thing I expressed was if I say I'll call you at a certain time, I'll call you. I do NOT need someone calling me every day, several times a day. My cell phone had been an electronic leash in the past and I never, EVER wanted that again.

Sure! I agree with you! Sez she...

So we get together the following Friday and for once I did have a great time... I even danced if you believe that... But red flags began to show there ugly little faces throughout the course of the evening... She doesn't work... Hasn't for a while... Been on "disability" for over ten years but she looks to be in pretty good shape to me... The she whispers in my ear during on of our dances if I could score her any coke...

BIG, GIGANTIC RED FLAG...

There's a lot more, but I'll leave most of that out... But needless to say by the end of the night I had the distinct impression that she was looking for a meal ticket and the last thing I need is another woman who's got a chemical dependency problem who doesn't work and wants me to pay for all her shit.

Then the phone calls start coming... First it was two calls the following day. I talked to her on both occasions and while I still liked her, I was backpedaling and playing it very cool. I wanted to learn more about her, but I was also sure at this point I didn't want to have a relationship with this woman. I explained to her over and over I had to work the following day and wouldn't be available (Remember the earlier talk about the electronic leash?) and she agreed that I'd call her later in the week... I get off work and check my cell phone for messages... She called six fucking times!

I didn't return her calls that day, because if I did it would set a precedence that it was ok to call even though I had said earlier I'd call later in the week... By Wednesday, I had a total of 27 calls from her and 15 text messages.

I was livid.

I called her then and told her to just stop calling me. The bullshit was already starting. She text messaged a few more times and called again a time or two, but in the end I had assumed (wrongly) that she had finally gotten the message when the calls and texts stopped coming.

I should tell you all also this woman lives in Naples, about a two-hour drive from here, so at this point I thought I was safe...

Wrong again.

Fast-forward to yesterday. It had been a long week at work. I was tired and sweaty and just wanted a few ice-cold adult beverages before I went to the house, got a shower and went to bed. Me and a buddy from work had bellied up to the bar and we were talking shop, sipping on a cold one when who should walk in...

What the FUCK, over?

My buddy bails on me (thanks a lot pal!) and leaves me alone with her... It was then she tells me she's fallen hard for me (puleeze!) and can't stop thinking about me... Again, what the fuck! Can't this woman get the message? Now she's just following me... She's begging me at this point to change my mind and the more she begs the more and more I'm turned off. She then tells me she's found an apartment here in Clewiston and will be moving here to be close to me... Destroying whatever good mood I had left. Then I tell her I'm going home to take a shower and go to bed... She wanted to follow me home to "visit" with me for a while.

Of course I say no... Nope, I'm going home alone, you CAN NOT come with me.

"Are you going to come back to listen to the band?" she asks...

"Most definitely not." I reply...

"Then who am I going to dance with?"

"Frankly, I don't give a fuck WHO you dance with. I'm going home." With that I paid my bar tab and left for home. A while later, after I had a shower and got some supper, I get a phone call from another buddy of mine, explaining to me that there's some drunk woman at the Tiki Bar creating a scene and some people have have been trying to get in touch with me to do something with her...

What the FUCK, again...

Call the fucking police and leave me the fuck alone. I am not her husband, boyfriend or keeper.

I told my ex-wife years ago I'd rather be alone than put up with bullshit like that, and I meant it then, and I sure as shit mean it now.

I've got my own problems to deal with. I do not need another emotionally crippled, chemically dependent psychic vampire sucking the life out of me again. It seems to me that that's all I attract anymore.

If that's all there is out here anymore I'll just stay alone.

And be an asshole.

Seething rant Copyright 2009 Thomas J Wolfenden