Saturday, December 19, 2009

Get ready to hold your breath!

What I'm about to write about is just another thing in a long procession of things going on in the world today that has me convinced that at some point in my life, probably when I was asleep, I was transported through a gap in the Space~Time Continuum and placed in a world that appeared to be the same, but was completely alien to me.

This is Not the America or the world I grew up in.

Let me explain.

When I was a little kid I'd threaten to hold my breath until I got what I wanted. My dad, ever the stoic he was, would just look at me, smile and tell me:

"Go ahead... You'll only turn blue, pass out from lack of oxygen, and start breathing again. You're NOT getting a (insert toy/book/candy/machine gun I wanted that time)!"

But now it looks like we're all going to have to hold our breath now. To exhale would mean hefty fines for polluting and discharging a "pollutant" into the atmosphere.

Just a few days ago, the Environmental Protection Agency, or EPA said it would begin regulating several gasses that were considered "Pollutants" that contribute to "Global Climate Change", one of which happens to be Carbon Dioxide.

Now wait just damn minute!

If I remember correctly from my Science classes in school, is that all air-breathing life forms on this planet breathe in oxygen and exhale Carbon Dioxide. Plants on the other hand take in Carbon Dioxide and release oxygen into the atmosphere. Hence, we give the plants life, and in return, they give us life.

Pretty spiffy thing, I'd think.

But because the Earth is getting warmer by the minute (oh, wasn't it Houston that got it's earliest recorded snowfall this year? and it was 39F/4C when I got home this morning from work here in sunny south-central Florida...) and if we all would just stop breathing, we'd all save the planet.

And on who's authority are they doing this?

Well, they're the Government.

Congress?

Senate?

Who needs them! We're from the Government and we're here to help!

And don't forget that pesky little document called the Constitution... Oh wait! They already did!

One Federal Agency, in one fell swoop, completely circumvented the entire checks and balances thing the Constitution was written for.

So I want you all reading this to stop breathing right now! We've got to stop this pollutant from killing the planet!
You'll only be blue for about 4 four minutes... Then you'll die...

But you've saved the planet!

Sometimes I really believe these nutcases won't be happy until we're all wearing loincloths made of hemp, eating tofu and living in yurts.

And I pledge to stop farting.

Farts are a pollutant too. Methane is a "pollutant", so I'm going to refrain from any future flatulence.

Really.

Copyright 2009 Thomas J Wolfenden

12 comments:

Exzanian said...

Ranger, bang on the head mate! It's all about the money...Now, how the hell are we going to get all those nasty volcanoes to LISTEN to us. Shut up volcanoes, go away or hold your breath Dammit! Go dormant, the lot of you!!

Ranger Tom said...

Exzanian: D'oh! I forgot about those pesky volcanoes! I guess we'll just have to ban them!

leazwell said...

These are the same type of people who jumped when Orson Wells read The War of the Worlds over the radio. They simply are not grounded.

cmk said...

After the emails were hacked exposing the fallacy of global warming, you would think this shit would just go away. But then, the MSM didn't really do enough to keep THAT story going, did they? Surprise, surprise.

Ranger Tom said...

Leazwell & Cmk: I remember back in the late 70's, it was either Newsweek or Time that said we were in a "Global Cooling" in fear of a new Ice Age...

The planet cools and warms on a cyclical basis...

But to hear Al gore we're all in for it...

Spare me!

cmk said...

I, too, remember the new ice age. Couldn't have been much money in promoting that one.

Just telling it like it is said...

unfortunately our C02 out put via cars and oil and methane(pur cows) cause our ozone protection to break down...I have been telling Bill Clinton for years quite having sex with that woman and fight the Co2 battle...make cow patties work for us and not against us

Ranger Tom said...

Cmk: I knew I wasn't the only one who remembers that...

Just telling it: True, but I at least don't have to rely on cigars...

Just telling it like it is said...

That's cuz your the man...

Ranger Tom said...

Just telling it: LOL!

honkeie2 said...

if we do a compairison of the size of man and the size of his poop and relate that to a whale.....doesnt that mean a whale is using OUR ocean as his own personal toliet?
Kill those damn polluting whales! They are fouling up MY ocean!

Ranger Tom said...

Honkeie: You're so right! I never thought about that before!

We'll start a new movement... I've got the bumper sticker already:

"Nuke the gay baby whales for Jesus and save the planet!"