Thursday, December 17, 2009

It's Official...

I'm a Dirty Old Man.

Let me explain.

Since the beginning of the Sugar Harvest, I've been working 60+ hours a week and things tend to get left undone at the old Ranger Tom Homestead, so I've hired a woman to come and clean my house once a week... It's nice to come home to a clean house and most of the time I'm just to damn tired to do it.

No, I have not started nailing my cleaning lady.

Since I work nights and get home from work around 8:15 every morning, I use that one morning every week to go out and do some errands and leave her to the cleaning. Most of the time I'll finish up my trip around town down at the Tiki Bar around 11 when they open. I'll have a few ice-cold adult beverages and get a sandwich, getting home around 12:30 or so to a nice clean house and clean sheets to crawl into. (If you've ever had the chance to get real 1000 thread~count Egyptian Cotton sheets, get them! They're HEAVEN!)

Yesterday was no different. I did some running around town and found myself perched on my favorite stool at the Tiki Bar sipping on a ice cold MGD. I'm alone down here in Purgatory, and it gets kind of lonely this time of year. I haven't spoken to anyone in my family really save for my brother since my divorce five years ago and now I'm unsure how that's going to go since he's started sending me Watchtower propaganda...

Not only that my birthday is coming up... on the 27th I'll be 44 and I'm really starting to feel all the abuse I've done to my body over the years... So with aching knees, Christmas and my 44th right around the corner I was feeling kind of low, even though I have the best job in the world in my humble opinion.

I'm a regular at the Tiki, and know almost all of the bartenders and servers by name, and consider most of them my friends. I'm moping a bit watching ESPN highlights on the muted TV when one of the servers sits down next to me. She does this quite often when the place is empty, like it was yesterday, and we began talking. She is quite the looker, and I have been know to take a look-see (ogle) once in a while but she's a bit younger than me, in her mid-20's. But she's engaged to a really nice guy so I've never put the "moves" on her. Besides, after the last few relationships with women who are Bi-Polar, have Borderline Personality Disorder or a Chronic substance abuse problem, I've put myself into a self-induced celibacy for a while.

But I'm not dead.

I do look, OK?

Anyway, I was lamenting to this very attractive friend of mine how I was feeling old, because my birthday was creeping up on me...

What she said next was harmless, I knew she was trying to cheer me up a little bit...

But she might have well just hauled off and kicked me in the balls with steel-toed boots...

"Oh Tommy! You're not old! My mom is only 41!"

D'oh!

Now I feel really great. I'm ogling girls young enough to be my daughter.

Happy Birthday to me, you dirt old bastard! I might as well be like the guy pictured below.

On second thought....

That's not really all that bad, is it?

Yes it is...

I've just creeped myself out!

Whining lament Copyright 2009 Thomas J Wolfenden
Photos pinched from the Interweb

18 comments:

Viking said...

hahahahaha nice one

Ranger Tom said...

Viking: I'm still creeped out by it! And nice to see you around!

Carolyn said...

Yes, it is... rofl! Happy upcoming birthday. Hey, if it makes ya feel any better, you're still not as old as I am, lol! And that is saying a lot coming from a woman, 'cause we hate admitting things of that nature...

Ranger Tom said...

Carolyn: Thanks, I needed that! LOL

Islandshark said...

Good one RT. Being on the other side of the big 4-0 myself, I really enjoyed your post!

Ranger Tom said...

Islandshark: It doesn't make it any easier... LOL!

Viking said...

don't be - I am 32 and I feel like that when I see how the 18 year olds look these days..!

Glad you're writing again. And now I'm in Canada I will come down there and buy you a beer!

Liane said...

pardon my intrusion.. came across your blog and had a read... made me smile.. laugh, actually. I have just had my birthday some days ago and man, I could go on and on in response to what you've said, but i shall not start rambling on a strangers blog... anyway, just wanted to say, that i could somewhat relate and thanks for the smile (laugh)... have a wonderful birthday!!! Liane :-)

Just telling it like it is said...

Awe...44 is really not old...it could be worse...
When I go out with my dad everybody thinks I'm married to the old guy for his money? What money is what I say?
p.s. Were are not all crazy...most of us are normal but I would say that I'm just a little crazy...I blame it on my Ma...everything is the Mom's fault right?

cmk said...

Happy birthday a bit early! And don't feel bad--I have a totally inappropriate crush on a pro hockey player who happens to be younger than my youngest! Although, he's only younger than her by a couple of weeks, so it isn't as creepy as it sounds. :D

Ranger Tom said...

Viking: I know what you mean about the 18 year-olds... And it's good to be back!

Liane: No intrusion at all! Welcome to my little corner of the interweb~googlenet!

Just Telling it: If you say so! ;)

Cmk: Perhaps, but it still creeped me out! LOL

leazwell said...

;D

Ranger Tom said...

Leazwell: ;)~

Exzanian said...

Ranger, at 44 you are not yet old, but hell man, it's just around the corner! That old Time thing is just going to clippety clop along faster and faster (Best wishes from a 42 year old)

Ranger Tom said...

Exzanian: I guess I'm in good company with another dirty old man!

cmk said...

The thing that keeps my inappropriate crush from being totally creepy is the fact that the player IS 25. Now, if he was younger than 21, THAT would be horribly creepy! ;) Although there ARE these guys on the local junior team... :D

Ranger Tom said...

Cmk: You've just creeped me out! ;)

cmk said...

:D