I know, I know... Where have I been....
Long story and I'll relate that later, but first, I want to clear up some rumors. I have not been in jail, I've not been running guns in Guatemala, I've not been on the lam... I've just been stuck here in Purgatory working on the railroad.
The Internet has been very far down on my list of priorities, but now the sugar crop is winding down and I now have more time to vent my spleen.
Anyway, I've got an exclusive for you!
I actually got and short interview a few days ago with our new President and I asked him some questions about this new economic stimulus bill.
This is the actual transcript of that interview!
I shit you not!
RT: Good morning Mr. President, I'm very glad to meet you, would you like a beer or something?
BO: Nice to meet you RT, and no, 9AM is a little early for beer.
RT: Well, I think I'll have one... Smoke em' if you got em'
I lit up a Winston and got down to the questions.
RT: This new brain fart, I mean, stimulus bill you've introduced is going to cost how much?
BO: Well Tommy, somewhere in the neighborhood of $800 Billion dollars, to start.
RT: Billion? To START?
BO: Yes, but that's what needs to be done, and fast!
RT: I admit something needs to be done, But where are we going to get that kind of money?
BO: Well Tommy, there are several places we've been looking to, one place is the taxpayers, or just print it like there's no tomorrow. There's several options we're looking at.
RT: Print more?
BO: Sure... The Government controls the Mint anyway, and I figure If we pump a shitload of Franklin's into circulation it'll stimulate the economy.
RT: What about the tax cuts you've promised?
BO: Yes, every American taxpayer will actually get a more money in their paycheck every week.
RT: Yep, I figure it's about $13 dollars a week.
BO: There you go! More money in your check!
RT: Mr. President... A case of beer costs $13.57... That wont even buy me an extra case of my favorite adult beverage, and will even put a bigger slump on the brewing businesses!
BO: Well Tommy, you could always buy a cheaper beer!
RT: I drink Miller for Christ's sake! How cheap do you want me to go?
BO: We are giving everyone a new analog-to-digital TV converter box!
RT: I have Satellite TV.
BO: Buy a new Hi-Def TV then! That'll stimulate the economy!
RT: Yep, sure will! The Chinese economy!
BO: Now let's not get testy, Tommy. I'm doing my best.
RT: I have an idea.
BO: Let's here it! I'm always open to new ideas!
RT: OK, Mr. President, how many registered voters are there in the US?
BO: That's easy! 72 million.
RT: That's just the Democrats.
BO: Are there any others?
RT: Yep. There's somewhere in the neighborhood of 201.5 million registered voters in the US.
BO: Are you a Democrat?
RT: No, I'm registered as a Republican.
BO: I thought all you Crackers, I mean people who live in Florida, were Democrats, you know, what they call Dixiecrats?
RT: Do you know what a Dixiecrat is Mr. President?
RT: A Republican who's registered Democrat.
RT: Did you just call me a Cracker?
BO: Not at all!
RT: I'm a Republican, but the older I get, the more I lean towards the Libertarians.
BO: What's that?
RT: A republican who likes to get high from time to time.
BO: Oh, I can relate to that!
RT: I bet you can!
BO: So you said you had an idea, lets hear it.
RT: OK. Like I said, there's 205 million registered voters here in the good old US of A. How about giving every one of them a one-time payment of 2 Million dollars. That would stimulate the shit out of the economy!
BO: Give the taxpayers 2 mil? Are you crazy?
RT: it is after all our money. We worked for it.
BO: No it's not, it's ours! But that's neither here or there. How would that stimulate the economy?
RT: Well, for starters, If I had 2 Mil right now I'd have all my debts pays down to nil, have a new house and my first brand-new car in 20 years, and a nifty little nest-egg for when I get too old to work on the railroad.
BO: I still don't get it. Banks are going into failure, car companies are going bankrupt and you want to just give all that money back to the, ahem, people? How would that help?
RT: For starters, 201.5 million, times two, is $403 Million dollars.
RT: That's 201.5 Million loans payed back, news cars purchased, news houses built and sold. Car companies are in business, which means people are back to work in Detroit and elsewhere building cars. More jobs there. People are building and buying homes again, Putting construction workers back to work, and the whole thing grows. More TVs bought, the stuff everybody wants... All those banks that are going tits-up are getting the bad loans paid back... It'll be better for everyone.
BO: What about universal health care? That's the real reason the economy is in the cellar.
RT: Health care? How do you figure?
BO: Well, if everyone had health care, they'd be in better physical and mental condition and they'd be more apt to make sounder judgments. That's why all these banks and corporations are failing, poor judgment!
RT: But my plan would be cheaper and still work. I don't have health care 6 months out of the year and I make good decisions.
BO: You're divorced, aren't you?
RT: Hey, low blow! Yeah, I've made some shitty decisions when it comes to women...
BO: See, if you'd had Nationalized Health care, you'd be in better shape and have never made those mistakes!
RT: But Canada has Nationalized health care and there's plenty of divorces there!
BO: It's a fluke.
RT: What about the UK, Australia, France, and the rest?
BO: The old Soviet Union had a good record...
RT: See where that got them?
BO: You're not getting it.
RT: Yes I am... But I digress. My idea.
BO: Yes, your idea. That would make a whole lot of new millionaires out there. More rich people. ( A sneer crossed his face at this point)
RT: Not really.
BO: (snickering) Not really, tell me then!
RT: Make a few caveats. One, with the 2 mil, make it a stipulation that they must pay all of their debts down to 0 with the money. Everything, even the C-note you borrowed off uncle Phil in 1987 for that chrome nekkid lady with the 'luminated wings out of the JC Whitney catalog for the hood of your 1974 Chevelle. That would pump a shitload of money into the failing banks.
BO: That'll never work.
RT: Next, tell them they have to invest the rest wisely... Anyone calling Bernie Nadoff will be shot.
BO: Again, what about Health care?
RT: Well if I had 2 Mil, I wouldn't need a health care plan! Again, I'd have a pretty spiffy Tom Cruse smile and my hemorrhoids wouldn't be bleeding anymore!
BO: You too?
RT: Yeah, God, it feels like my ass is on fire sometimes!
BO: No! The Tom Cruse smile!
RT: Oh, yeah! See, and that would be a shitpot cheaper than $800 Billion... And stimulate the shit out of the economy!
BO: No, it wouldn't. It's wind up a lot worse. We need to pass this bill and pump all that money into the economy through the financial institutions and auto companies, social programs and universal health care.
RT: But what about the taxpayers?
BO: Fuck em'... I mean the economy will rebound... It's because of the last Administration's policies that we're in the mess we're in now.
RT: I thought that was Bill Clinton's policy back in the 90's of forcing Freddy Mac & Mae to approve mortgages to people who couldn't afford them in the first place?
BO: Shut your mouth!
RT: I mean Mr. President... I mean... ( At this point I started to sound like Arlo Guthrie in the Alice's Restaurant Massacree) I Mean... Shit. It's our money. Don't you think the people should have some say on how it's spent?
BO: The people don't know what they're doing in the first place, so it's up to me to decide for them.
RT: Oh, really? Thank you for letting me know I was too stupid to decide my own fate...On that note I think I think we should end this interview. Thank you Mr. President for this enlightening interview.
BO: Thank you Tommy, I've enjoyed it! (and at this point I could have sworn he said something under his breath about not closing Guantanamo Bay base, but expanding it...)
With that he left my humble home, whispering to the Secret Service guys something... I don't think I got across to him though... Strange, I've seen a lot of black Crown Victoria's with tinted windows in my neighborhood lately and there's been a weird popping and hissing on my phone since he's been here.
So this was my interview with the new President! A monumental event for this humble railroad conductor/blogger!
Sleep safe America, we're in good hands!
Copyright 2009 Thomas J Wolfenden