I'm going to burn in hell for this one...
Well, the Pope finally died. It's about time too. He looked like he was dead already and too stupid to lie down.
I know. I'm a heartless bastard.
Now the College of Cardinals will get together and elect a new Pope. Know what I think? the white smoke you'll see when they finally do elect a new pope isn't the "burning ballots"... I think they've got a huge bong and got the best dope there... That's the ONLY explanation for those hats...
I'm waiting for Fox News, CNN & MSNBC to start the projections and exit polls.
"Now on Fox News, Brian Smith with the latest returns on the Bland Corporation's latest "Big Hat" poll..."
The Catholic church's whole hierarchy is based on the size of their hats. The Pope wears the biggest. I watched part of the funeral the other day and it was done entirely in Latin. Now there's a popular language. I suffered through my entire childhood going to the two hour long Latin Mass. I didn't have a clue what the hell the priest was saying.
He could have been giving us the results of the last trifecta at Philadelphia Park for all we know.
And why was it in Latin? Does God speak Latin? I wouldn't think so. The Bible was originally written in Hebrew, and didn't Jesus speak Aramiac?
We know Jesus spoke in Aramiac because another good Catholic, Mel Gibson made that movie about him and it was all in Aramiac, a dead language that hasn't been spoken in over two thousand years. At least I know that's a language along with English I'll never hear in a taxi in Philadelphia.
So the Pope was really popular and now even non-Catholics are really digging him so I've come up with a little plan to help all you non-Catholics sound Catholic, which it seems to be really cool to be right now.
I've compiled a few Latin phrases and their English translations to help you be hip and fit in with all your Catholic friends and impress that priest you saw passed out in a pool of his own vomit at the bar last week.
So it's now "Cool to be Catholic"
"Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem"
"In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags"
"Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam"
"I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head"
"Cum catapultae proscriptae erat, tum soli proscript catapultas habeunt"
"If catapaults are outlawed, then only outlaws will only have catapaults"
"Cur rides? Ridiculum non sum!"
"Why are you laughing? I'm not weird!"
"Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!"
"God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!"
"Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?"
"Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?"
"Feles mala! Cur cista non uteris? Stramentum novum in ea posui."
"Bad kitty! Why don't you use the cat box? I put new litter in it."
"Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum."
"A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants."
"Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat."
"It's not the heat, it's the humidity!"
"Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?"
"How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
"Veni, veni, veni Locamowae cum me!"
"Come on, come on, do the Locomotion with me!"
"Oblitus sum perpolire clepsydras!"
"I forgot to polish the clocks!"
And my personal favorite:
"Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est"
"Yes, that is a very large amount of corn"
So now you have all the proper tools to sound Catholic. You might even get the odds on the next pick at Philadephia Park or The Auqaduct.
Cogito sumere potum alterum!
Copyright 2005 Thomas J Wolfenden