Monday, April 25, 2005

Location, Location, Location!

What I perceive to be stupidity in most people today in our country may just be a lack of simple observation on the basic, primal level.

A few days ago in the local paper there was an article about some folks down in McDowell county complaining about the persistent, copious amounts of coal dust in and around their homes. The EPA is being called in to investigate.

Now first off I have to tell those of you not familiar with southern West Virginia and McDowell county itself that both sit smack-dab in the middle of the largest coal fields in Appalachia. The majority of these coal mines, surface and underground, are within plain sight of these homes in question.

My one question is this:

Hey, dumbass!

Did you not see the coal mine and the huge coal trucks and loaded trains or hear the mining operation when you went to see the house before you bought it?

You fucking dolts. You moved right next to an operating coal mine. Deal with the coal dust or move.

This isn't a regional problem with the observationally challenged. My house in Arizona sat about seven miles off the highway, and three miles past where the pavement ended. The house next to me, actually about a half mile down the road was my nearest neighbor. This house sat empty for a while after I moved in but soon sold. The new neighbors moved in and soon stopped by to introduce themselves.

I invited them in and adult beverages were soon passed around. They had just moved from San Diego, California (that should have been a warning to me then) and just loved the wide open night sky that you could seen trillions of stars at night, unlike the city where they just came from.

But soon into the conversation a rift began to show in our new found friendship. The wife began to complain about the dust from the road... (Remember I lived way past where the pavement ended?) Then said the smell of horse manure was making her sick...

I had two horses at the time...

Then the husband noticed my rifle cabinet and said in a condescending manner; "Oh, I didn't know you had guns."

I asked them if they had come out and looked at the house before they bought it. They said yes they had. Then I inquired if they had seen my horses. Again, the answer was yes. I bit my tongue so hard it bled, I looked at them then my ex and excused myself. Before I Walked out of the room I did point to the west and tell them California is 'that way'. I then went into my den and proceeded to beat my head repeatedly against the wall...

Please make it stop! Make the stupid people stop following me!

Remember I said they had just loved the night sky where you can see trillions of stars at night and even the whole Milky Way galaxy? You'll never guess what they did that very night. I was sitting in my easy chair watching Jeopardy! When I noticed an extremely bright light coming through my front window. I looked out, and guess what my night-sky loving neighbors had put up?

Two of those 10,000 watt sodium-arc lights, one in the from and one in the back of their house for "security" effectively lighting up an area the size of Rhode Island around the house and in the process blocking the view of the "Beautiful Night Sky" for half the town.

I shit you not, you could see their house from the highway seven miles away.

Thanks a lot, assholes.

A few weeks later a friend of mine from the Yavapai County sheriff's office stopped by to tell me a funny story. He did that from time to time, as then I'd have to tell him some of my "dumbass" stories from the job.

Seems my new neighbors called in a complaint.

You'll never guess what for.

They called the Sheriff's Office to complain about the (again, I shit you not) coyotes howling and yipping at night, and could the deputy please make them go away?


Complaining about coyotes in Arizona is like a cop trying to hand out speeding tickets at the Daytona 500.

I'll go one better.

A little further south of where I lived was the city of Prescott, AZ. In this city of about 35,000 was a very old and well regarded rod & gun club with it's own very well maintained and safe rifle range.

I really wish I could remember this guy's name, but he was pretty famous as one of the Apollo program astronauts. He bought a house right next to the rifle range and immediately began a letter writing campaign to the local newspaper about the noise and danger from this rifle range.

He effectively had this range shut down for over six months, but the range re-opened after a long legal battle with this spaced-out space man.

I again just wanted to asked this shithead; didn't you see the goddamn rifle range before you bought your house?

I think this guy was in the vacuum of space too long and retain some of that vacuum between his ears.

Back when I lived in Pennsylvania, a couple bought a house right next to the Willow Grove Naval Air Station. You could see the flightline from the front of their house. Soon after they moved in they complain to the Navy about the sound of the jets scaring their cats.

God, if you really do exist, please kill off all these fucking morons?

Copyright 2005 Thomas J Wolfenden


Lisa said...

I thought we had the market cornered on morons in Missouri. My hubby calls me a "female Red." Because I use the phrase "dumbass" fairly often. I am amazed that people expected the police to chase coyotes away. And the astronaut wanted to shut the Rod and Gun club down. (I grew up in a rural area in Illinois so I've dealt with both of those things.) Oy!

I have told my hubby often that the challenge won't really be to grow a smart, sweet person, but to grow a person who actually USES his brain. :-)

sweet man said...

I feel you have a lot of hostility built up inside.

Ranger Tom said...

And your point, Jake?

phlegmfatale said...

OMG - what vacuous idiots. They need to stay the fuck in California where everything is superior anyway.

By the way, we were in Prescott AZ passing through when the USA began military action in Iraq, and you should have seen the hippy peacenik shit-for-brains mimes that were doing a floor show at every crosslight around the square. It was retarded on wheels. I felt like getting out and smacking them around, drama queens with no sense of what our country is about or how people died to give us our freedoms. Ingrates. I say we send all of those types west of the Rockies and then just saw them off. Or let's send them to live in Afghanistan, better yet.