Saturday, April 23, 2005


Tonight something I was reminded of made me thank God I live alone again. I have to admit I get lonely sometimes, but I do enjoy my 'Alone Time' a lot.

Earlier tonight I had a splitting headache. I went to the medicine cabinet to get a few Tylenol. I took a few and looked at the bottle. On the back of the label it read:

exp. 12/04

Oh no! They're expired! I'm going to die!

Of course I'm not going to die. Shortly my headache subsided and I thought about the expiration date on the bottle more. I can see not taking something that's ten years out of date, but only a few months? Nope, I feel pretty certain they're still good.

Some things do need an expiration date though. That roast beef or gallon of milk you bought at Krogers last week for example. But it seems like everything has an expiration date now. And my ex had what I thought was an unhealthy fetish about them.

But it was only for some things. Some things would fester for months in the fridge. I'd have nightmares of those green-furry lumps coming alive one night and attacking me in my sleep.

A long time ago when I was still married, I learned that the refridgerator was off-limits to me. Don't get me wrong, I was allowed to get things to eat, but I wasn't allowed to throw anything away. That was her job I was told. I'd find really interesting science projects hidden behind the condiments. Huge furry green and blue things that I'd ask what they were but would never get an answer. Some of these lumps of fur were big enough to make a quart of penicillin.

But god forbid, if I threw them away I'd be certain to be struck down in a fury of untold magnitude.

One time I found a great green lump hidden way in the back of the fridge and discovered it was the remains of the Thanksgiving turkey.

This was in August.

Then she'd go nuts one day and start throwing everything in the house out that was past the expiration date on the package. Deodorant, floor polish, soap, aspirin. You get the picture. Then I saw her do something that just stunned me. She was in the fridge throwing things out (finally) when I saw her throwing bottled water away.

"Eh, what are you doing?" I asked.

"Throwing out everything that's expired." She told me in a tone that said 'You moron'

Expired water?

Expired fucking water???????

Water does NOT fucking expire. It's the same water that's been around for millions of goddamn years. If it's in a sealed container, that water will still be good for another million years. The only way water would "Go bad" would be if it was contaminated with something. A sealed bottle of H2O is not going to go bad, ever.

Got to the south pole. Get one of those huge ice drills that take core samples from miles down. Drill down and get a sample. Melt that million-year-old ice...

You know what you'd get?

Fucking water! That's what you'd get!

The same water I took those four month out-of-date Tylenol with tonight.

You know what's really expired here?

My patients for stupidity!

Copyright 2005 Thomas J Wolfenden


Lisa said...

I've been readin some of your old posts and have been laughing SO FREAKING HARD I'm going to wake up my little man. Nuns ARE evil and Catholic mothers are so scarily good at the guilt trips. And the porn thing... Wouldn't have even thought that was a double-edge sword. New perspective. But I laughed really hard at the 3-way comment. OH MY GOD.

Ok. Your column isn't for the easily offensive but its so damn funny. And I worked for a women's exercise facility. And alot of heavy women would come in and blame everything but themselves on their weight problem. So they wouldn't lose the weight. And the bitching..... THe constant bitching and whining! I have a slow thyroid too. My 69-year-old mother-in-law's metabolism is faster than mine. All the more reason to take up running or SOMETHING.

Oh and on the Y women Y thing. Yes. I'm a woman and don't understand why certain ones do what they do. Many are wonderful people. But some aren't. But I'll tell you one thing, if you want to spend some time in HELL, be a woman and work with an office full. Oy!

DivineMsN said...

Hey I ate some expired cranberry sauce today. I'm a rebel!

Ranger Tom said...

How daring, MisN!

AlaskaJen said...

My Expiration Date Rules:
Milk has that 'not so fresh smell': don't drink but can still be used for cooking, throw away at he first hint of chunkage.

Cheese gets tossed at the first hint of fuzz and if it smells like stinky feet -out it goes! We once made lasanga with cheese that had started producing its own gasses -the plastic wrapping had inflated. It reeked! We used it anyway and had to throw the whole pan away!

Butter goes off really quickly thoow despite what the date may say.