The Ranger Tom Doctrine

This is the Ranger Tom Doctrine, or "Why I'll never be President..."

Ok. First off, you don't like our troops? I'll bring them ALL home. Every last one of them. And in doing that I'll close down every single foreign base the US Military has. We'll cease being the World's police. Got a problem? Tough shit. Figure it out on your own. Earthquake? Tsunami? Famine? See how you fuckers like it when all those Yankee greenbacks disappear. The only allies the US will have from now on will be the UK and Australia. We're better allies with the Brits than with anyone and even them we had to kick out of our country twice.

Europe, Africa, the Middle East, you don't like it? That's just tough shit. Get a helmet and deal with it yourselves. We need our military here in our own damn country, not fighting your wars.

After the military is all back here, safe and sound, I'll seal off both borders. Hey, the Canadians are alright, but it's those damn Cannucks who refuse to speak English that annoy me. If you want to speak French, go back to France!

As for the French, if it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking German. Twice.

This is the land of the free. But come here legally. You're here illegally? You get your ass sent back to whatever third~world shithole you came from. No welfare, no nothing. A 30-year moratorium on immigration, except for Brits and Aussies. No ifs, ands or buts.

Government financial help for other countries? End of the cash cow. You bastards will never get another penny from us. Ever again. Rebuild your own countries. No more Marshall Plans here. We go to war with you, expect your country to be bombed back into the Stone Age (if it isn't already there) and then after we roll all of your corpses into the pyres, don't expect us to rebuild. You fucked with us, deal with the consequences. (Remember, Uranium-235 has a Half-Life of 700 Million Years and we've got shitloads of Minuteman III missiles)

As for the lazy fuckers here. No more welfare. Period. Get a Goddamn job. No job? Tough shit. I, nor any of the other hard working Americans are never, ever going to give you a free ride ever again. This country owes you nothing. YOU owe it plenty. Lazy fuckers like you are the reason I can't buy a TV made here, or when I call for on my Chinese-made computer for tech support I get some pindick in New Delhi.

Mandatory military draft for all those slackers and emo's who are between 18 and 21. Grow a pair of fucking balls, be a man and do something for this country instead of lamenting how hard your life is.

You're life isn't hard. You've had everything handed to you since you were in diapers by parents who gave you everything you asked for and were to big of pussies to tell you no and teach you how to earn something. Quit your fucking whining. You're 18 years old, don't know shit about shit and pull up your fucking pants! There's a reason it's called "underwear". It goes under the fucking pants.

Ok. Next on the agenda. Have a huge cooperation that's about to go tits-up? Tough. Deal with it. You are not getting one red cent of the tax-payers money. End of story. You should have thought about that before you took all those trips to Bermuda and Las Vegas on private jets. And spent millions of your shareholder's money for executive perques. Suffer like the rest of us, you moronic troglodytes. Your MBA doesn't mean shit if you can't figure out a simple cost analysis.

On to religion. You want to pray to whoever? Go right ahead. Whether it be Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Hairy Thunderer or a Cosmic Muffin. Just don't be an ass and try to shove your morality down mine or anyone else's throats. That's what made this country truly great. The ability to worship any way we pleased. But I don't want to be awaken at 7 AM on a Sunday morning by you banging on my front door trying to enlighten me on your way of thinking, because, quite frankly, I'll probably have one hell of a hangover and be in a really shitty mood if you do and not really dig what I'll have to tell you.

Speaking of enforced morality, The Government will never again reach as far as the bedrooms of the general US population under my administration. Go ahead and marry that horse if you want, but don't expect another word on how you're being oppressed or disenfranchised. No special treatment at all. Everyone is equal, period. It's your body, do with it what you want. I personally may not like what you're doing, but it's really none of my business to tell you what you should do. That's between you and your God.

Slave reparations? Stop beating that dead horse. I'm white, but my family had nothing to do with saves. We were to busy digging up potatoes in County Cork when all that shit went down. We owe you nothing, so quit your fucking whining, throwing race in our faces every time we turn around, because frankly, I'm sick to fucking death of hearing it. Get a fucking job, stop whining and do something with your life besides being an asshole.

Another forced morality issue. If people want to smoke, eat red meat of any other thing you deem harmful, I've got one word. It's none of your fucking business. Keep your nose out of other people's lives. Everyone who smokes at this point knows it's bad for them. They don't need you ramming it down their throats. Red meat and smokes. I love both, so shut up, I'm sick of hearing it! I'm going to light up another cigarette, dig into a nice T-bone with a baked tater smothered in butter.

Second enforced morality: Booze. Under my administration, you will be able to buy beer, wine and liqueur on Sunday anywhere in the Country. Maybe you religion doesn't like drinking, but I like my beer. So who gave you the right to ram your morality down my throat? No one. If I get done a 12-hour shift on the railroad at 7AM on a Sunday morning I do not want to be told I can't but a six-pack of my favorite adult beverage. You can go to church, I'll have a beer. Everyone will be happy.

Next, guns.

You are not going to get any one's legally owned firearms. Remember the Bill of Rights? Well, if you're not a felon, you get to keep your guns. Period. A Government who fears it's people is a Government who's to be feared. The founding Father's had this one right. You come knocking on my door for my guns, you'll get the ammo I've stockpiled, one round at a time.

Nuff said on that matter, Sara?

Lastly, Taxes.

We're taxed to death as it is. Apposed to what the Democrats think, it's your money. You worked for it, you should keep it. I support a 15% across the board income tax. That's it. No property tax, no luxury tax, no other taxes at all. Period.

Again... Why I'm not, nor will I ever be president.

Video pinched from YouTube

Rambling diatribe Copyright 2009 Thomas J Wolfenden