Wednesday, January 11, 2006

The plight of Melvin's Bassett...

I was still living in my apartment of Vista St. in the Mayfair section of Philadelphia, so it happened before 1992...
My landlord at the time had taken a rowhome and converted it into two apartments, first floor and second floor. I had the second floor and Melvin had the first. Melvin was a really nice guy, kept to himself mostly and was a pleasant neighbor. He was some egghead for the Department of the Navy at the shipyard but he never really talked about his work. He also had a really sweet dog, a slightly overweight basset hound named Chuck.
One summer afternoon I came home from work to find Melvin on the front steps in a panic. All I wanted to do is get that goddamn Kevlar vest off, open an ice-cold, frosty adult beverage and watch Jeopardy! I was not ready for this...
"Oh Tom! I'm so glad you're home! Something is wrong with Chuck!"
"What's up with him?"
"He seems to be glued to the floor!"
"Glued to the floor?"
"Yes! Oh please help me!"
This I had to see. I followed Mel into his neatly appointed apartment to see Chuck sitting in the middle of the tiny livingroom's floor. He saw us and began to wag his tail but didn't come over to us. It looked like he tried to stand but yelped once and continued his sit.
I walked over and knelt down and petted Chuck, and looked behind him... It was soon very apparent what had happened. I stifled a laugh and motioned Mel over to see. All the while Chuck is licking my face and trying to move... But he was indeed firmly "glued" to the floor. Mel looked at me and asked what I could do...
I had to think about this for a minute. This would have to be extremely delicate...
What I neglected to tell you about the apartment was this. The owner of the place decided to keep the hardwood floors bare and not put cheap carpet down, and in this was Chuck's dilemma. The original builders of the house, probably in the mid 1930's, decided to save some money somewhere and didn't use the best grade oak for the flooring so the floors in both apartments had some blemishes. These blemishes included some knots in the wood. Over the years the wood aged, and from neglect some of the knots fell out, leaving some holes in the floor. I had a few in my place but never in a million years would I ever dream of this happening.
Well, the knothole in the floor was just big enough for one of Chuck's testicles to fall through as he sat on the floor... And apparently one did... Followed right behind by the second one. So the hole was big enough for one at a time to go through... It was nowhere near big enough for both to come back out...
So he was very much stuck by his balls to the floor. All the times my father said he'd nail my nuts to the floor came rushing back at that moment. This is what it'd be like.
Poor guy.
I stood and told Mel to stay with him and try to keep Chuck calm while I went to my place to get some tools. I turned and looked back as I left and Chuck was looking at me with those big watery, sad eyes that bassetts have, almost pleading with me to save his jewels...
"Tommy! Please save my nuts! I've never had a chance to use them!!!! Oh please oh please oh pleeeeeze!!!!!"
Up to my place I go, and dropping my gun belt and vest I grabbed my Dremel tool and put the rotary saw blade on it and made a quick call to a buddy on the PA Game Commission. After his laughter calmed down a bit, he promised to be at my place as soon as he could with a dose of tranquilizer strong enough to knock a sixty pound dog out for a while.
So back downstairs I go and explain the plan to Mel... He agreed with my decision about the tranquilizer... I'm pretty sure Chuck would freak at the sound of the Dremel tool and rip his nuts off in the process...
About an hour later my buddy shows up and though fits of giggles he administered the shot. Soon Chuck was off to the Land of Nod... And I got to work. It was slow going as it took both Mel and my friend holding Chuck up and positioning him just right... It took about twenty minutes and I had no close calls but I did get a little worried at the end because the battery was starting to die on me.
Finally Chuck was free of his trap and we all breathed a sigh of relief. My buddy from the Game Commission cursed and said he forgot his camera... And for Chuck and Mel's sake I'm glad he didn't have it.
If a dog could be mortified, Chuck was definitely so...
I'm a damn renaissance Man!
I can cook, clean house, do laundry, sew, write, be a soldier, cop, firefigher...
And can remove your dog's nuts from a hardwood floor!
Copyright 2006 Thomas J Wolfenden

18 comments:

Lindsey said...

Oh my gosh. That is the wierdest story I have ever heard. That poor dog!

berly02 said...

Sometimes I just don't know whether or not to believe you! :)

Glad the dog was ok.

Kev said...

Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm jealous or thankful that I don't have nearly as many stories as you, Tom.

Thanks for the great laugh.

Lora said...

Very funny story with a happy end...pun intended. Moral: Look before you sit. I learned that one during the outhouse years.

DivineMsN said...

Poor dog!

Okie said...

That is nuts! Did you consider crawling under the house and poking his boys back up through the hole one at a time?

Sherri said...

LOL! That was the best story of animal compassion I've ever heard! You are definitely one in a million Tom. :D

Cheryl said...

That was both funny and yet sad for the poor dog. Way to go on rescuing him though!

honkeie2 said...

OMFG! I am holding my stomach laughing so hard! I will no take a look where I sit if I am in the buff. Imagine if it was him and not the dog!

Becky said...

Quote: "Soon Chuck was off to the Land of Nod."

You've been listening to too much Coast to Coast, Tom!

Lisa said...

That was a GREAT story. Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction. Especially in that case....

Ranger Tom said...

Linny: Yeah... Chuck's package was just in the wrong place at the right time and physics took over

berly: I don't make any of this up. I have a lot more stories, funny and strange from when I was a cop, but I'm hessitant to write and post them because even if I omit names even after all these years some people would get really pissed at me...

Kev: I'm not sure if it's a gift or a blessing... Sometimes I feel like the character "Schleprock" on the flintstones... The one with the cloud always over his hed? On second thought, I did know a guy we called that, and if you think my stories are odd, I aught to write about some of the shit that happened to him... Those were hilarious, but he usually brought them on himself...

Lora: Beware the splinters!

MsN: I'm glad he was a friendly bassett hound and not some Rotwieler or something... If he had been he'd have been SOL...

Okie: Thought of that first thing, but you've really got to understand a rowhome. I would have had to go into the basement, rip down the sheetrock and insulation and hope his cajones were exposed. This was the easiest way.


Sherri: I felt I had to. Mel was a good nieghbor and Chuck was a pretty cool dog. That's what friends and nieghbors are supposed to do for each other

Cheryl: Ditto...

Honkeie: If it had been Mel there instead of the dog, he would probably still be stuck there, I'd have formed a line and charged $2 to see the dumbass... But it wasn't, and Chuck didn't know what he was doing when he sat, just that he couldn't get up and a VERY important part hurt when he tried...

Beck: Your thinking of "The Land Of Nye" or Nye Couty, Nevada, where Art Bell broadcasts his show from. I got "The Land of Nod" from my mother who used to say it all the time. I think it's something from the Bible, old testiment...

Lisa: The truth is ALWAYS stranger than fiction. I'm blessed (cursed) with is always happening to me... One thing I've got to say, life with me will never be boring!

Crazy Me said...

LMAO!! That poor dog!!

ahamilton said...

OMG. That story was the perfect way to end my night!!!!! I might have to go back and check out some of your archives!!! LMAO

Dirk said...

And can remove your dog's nuts from a hardwood floor!
Not many people can put that on their resume.

Kat_womanx2 said...

oh man..thats too funny...

Carolyn said...

That had me rolling in the floor! LOL!! :D

Bev said...

Good story. I can't believe Chuck didn't know why he was stuck to the floor.