Sunday, January 01, 2006

A New Year's resolution

A long time ago my father taught me some very important lessons in life, one of the main ones being how to treat women. Be a gentleman and treat them like a lady. Treat them as your equal...
Remember birthdays and anniversaries, send cards and flowers for no reason at all but to let them know you're thinking of them... Hold the door for them, hold the chair when they sit down, get the umbrella if it's raining... Always pay for the meals when on a date... Be concerned about their day to day lives, ask how their day went (and mean it) listen to all their hopes, fears & desires, stand by them no matter what... Be there for them during the tough times, even if it's just to hold their hand or offer an arm and a shoulder to cry on... Make them feel special and wanted. Never lie or cheat on them... Share your own feelings, hopes and dreams with them and never hide your emotions... Tell them that they're beautiful, and mean it, especially when they really need to hear it. Be emotionally and physically available always...
If they've had a rough day at work, have a hot bath ready for them when they get home, maybe a glass of wine waiting... Give them a foot massage or a back rub. Cook dinner for them, have the house clean if it's your day off and they've had to work... Share in the household chores, don't be afraid to use the vacuum, washer and dryer... If it needs to be done around the house, do it... Don't wait on them to do it because you think it's "woman's work" and think it's an affront to your masculinity to do the dishes or make the bed.
Never, EVER belittle them, put them down, or God forbid hit them. Any problems that the two of you have, talk about them. Communicate. Work things out. No relationship is always smooth sailing all the time but never give up communicating. Defend them with everything you've got...
When you get home from work, help with the kid's homework if there are any kids, take them places like the park or the mall, fun places they'd like to go...
That and more... In essence, be a 'nice guy' and Dad, I've tried to do all those things for the past thirty five or so years... Ever since I was able to understand the concept.
But you know what Dad? That's a little too altruistic and wrong.
Here's what I've discovered, the hard way.
You see Dad, you do that and you get shit on. A giant pile of blowfly-infested elephant shit will drop out of the heavens right on top of your head and leave you standing alone looking like the fool you are.
Women say that's what they want in a man... I've heard it too many times. "You're such a good catch...Tom better watch out..he's liable to be snatched up before he knows what hit him..." Blah, blah, blah. But they really don't want a nice guy. They really want a "Bad boy"...
So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to remake myself for the New Year. A new and improved Ranger Tom for 2006.
First thing I'm going to do is put up a shallow facade of a 'Nice Guy" and all the while I'm going out to bars and strip clubs, chasing other women around... Because all men think of bedding a woman is just a conquest, right? That's all we think about... Getting laid. And we don't care who or what we jump into bed with. Long gone are the days when I was really picky about who I slept with. Never more will I really care about who I make love to. The next door neighbor, my best friend's wife, all your friends? Fair game. Hell, I'll even hit on your mom if she's young enough. I'll be spreading my DNA all over southern West Virginia when you're at work...
And once I have you thinking I'm a 'nice guy', I'll talk you into letting me move in with you... And soon as I'm in and settled, I'm going to quit my job and go on welfare. You'll have to get a second and third job probably to support both of us. When you come home, dead-tired from a sixteen hour shift at the Quik-E Mart, you best get dinner ready soon! I'm fucking hungry! Sitting in front of the TV watching the WWF and drinking Budweiser all day is tiring! I don't care how you feel or care about your opinion on anything, because you're just a dumb broad who should just shut up and be in the damn kitchen cooking me my supper. Oh, and before I pass out from the three cases of Bud I consumed today, how about a blowjob? After that, the garbage needs to be taken out too.
Pouring rain and you've got a flat tire? Tough shit. You've got a jack and a spare in your car and you should know how to use them. Still raining and you've got about a hundred bags of groceries to carry in? Better hurry, because if those paper bags get wet you'll have shit all over the driveway and porch and it'll take you twice as long to bring them in. Think I'm going to help? Ha! I'm not missing one minute of Monday Night Football, besides, that's women's work. Get me another beer while you're at it.
I noticed the lawn needs mowing too, by the way, better get it tomorrow between jobs. You've got what, forty five minutes between them, right?
This place is a mess too! After you get the groceries put away, you had better start cleaning this place up! Where's your paycheck, by the way? I want to get a new tattoo. I'm heading out now with Jake to go to Southern Xposure... And to get some real food! Your cooking sucks! How anyone could eat this shit and live is beyond me! I may or may not be home tonight so don't wait up. But this place better be spotless when I get home, I'm going to have a few dozen buddies over tomorrow for a NASCAR party. I'm also out of clean underwear too. Better throw a few loads in.
Oh, another thing. If I call from jail at 3 AM, you had best better come an bail me out. Not to worry though, it's only my eighth DUI this year, and since I don't have my license anymore you can run me all over town to different bars... Oh, and that girl I was with at Smokies, well, she's just a 'friend' and I was comforting her because her pet iguana died...
One day you might find yourself in trouble yourself, but tough! It's not my problem! It's all your fault anyway and I don't want to deal with it! I'm splitting with a girl younger and prettier that you... I just don't want to deal with your problems! You got yourself into this, now it's your problem to get out of. I'm leaving! I was sick of your damn nagging anyway.
I'll be a Bad Boy... Sounds exiting and inviting, doesn't it?
Sound absolutely ridiculous?
Well, of course it is, but that's exactly the kind of guys the women I'm meeting seem to gravitate towards. I try to be everything that my father said to be, everything over an above what I hear every woman say they want but as soon as I'm that guy to a woman, I'm dropped like a hot potato for someone more "Exotic & Exciting"...
No, of course I'm not really going to do this, just making a point.
But I'm soooooo Goddamn sick of being shit on when I'm being a nice guy. But to tell you the honest truth, next time I hear a woman say she's looking for a "Nice Guy", I'm not going to believe it for a minute.
Nice guys always finish last, Dad. I'm sorry, but you were wrong. You and mom were an anomaly.
So, if you guys will excuse me, I have to take my TV and DVD player to the pawn shop so I can buy a few cases of Budweiser, and on the way back dig through the garbage at the Deli Mart to see if I can find that married woman's phone number from the Deli Mart the other day...
Just another conquest, another notch on my bedpost don't you know...
Have a great, healthy and happy New Year!
Copyright 2006 Thomas J Wolfenden

12 comments:

Sherri said...

Hang in there Tom. Not every woman out there wants a 'bad boy'. They end up with the bad boys because the bad boys are more agressive. They pick their mark and move in scaring everything within a 10 mile radius off.

Be exactly how you are and were raised to be, but be aggressive as well. Find your mark and eliminate those bad boys.

Ok, hopping off the soapbox now. Hope you have a great day!

Ranger Tom said...

Sherri: I can be agressive, hell, my line of work and my past prove that... You don't survive as a cop in the ghetto of the 4th largest city in the US for 10 years by being a pussy... Or in the Ranger Regement, or an instructor at the jungle warfare school...

What I don't understand as somehow being thoughtful and caring can be considered being a wimp. Something I've never been accused of, but that's the impression I'm given. Treat a woman like gold and you get shit on (my marriage proved that) and treat a woman like shit and she's your's for life.

Explain that one to me. I really want to know.

Lindsey said...

Tom...I totally agree with Sherri. Bad boys are liked b/c they ARE a little more aggressive and they're willing to take risks and are exciting. The stuff they like to do is fun...the way they treat us is shitty.

Behave as you were taught to treat a woman, but don't be afraid to be a little agressive and unpredictable. Keep them on their toes. The problem is that we don't want a man that is a pushover or boring or clingy.

Hang in there my friend. I'm in the same boat...

cmk said...

All I can do is talk about the good guy I am married to--and have been for over 25 years! There is no one more considerate, nice, and wonderful than him and I truly am grateful he is in my life. Maybe I am an anomoly, but I never seemed to gravitate towards the bad boys--I always wanted someone to cherish me. I never would consider my husband a wimp--I truly know he would defend me to the death if the need ever arose. Keep on being your true self and (I know, I know, it gets tiring to hear) you will find the woman you were meant to be with. Have faith.

Bev said...

Uh...I'm guessing you did not have a good New Year's Eve.

Sherri said...

I don't have an explination for that, I wish I did.

Hope you don't mind a long comment, I have a feeling this one is going to be pretty lengthy.

I have a theory. There are bad boys and there are bad girls. Selfish, self indulgent, and thoughtless. They seek out the nice ones, they know the nice ones will be faithful, will treat them well, and always be there. The nice ones will put up with the crap because they don't want to tear up their family. They will put up with the crap because their nice friends and family tell them they have to think about the kids, or marriage is hard work, or because they don't want their nice friends and family to know just how terrible things really are.

Do you know how many nice guys I know that are with the most God awful women I've ever met?? I sit there and think to myself, she has no idea how lucky she has it. I would give anything to be in her shoes.

Tom, I'm quite certain you can be an agressive guy, and even though I know you only through this blog, not once have I ever thought of you as a wimp. That nice girl is out there for you, you just haven't found her yet. Or, maybe you have and she's stuck with the wrong guy at the moment.

Lisa said...

I married a nice guy. I think some women are drawn to assholes because maybe the father figure in their life was that way? I don't know.

But maybe it is the quality of women you are meeting?

I know of two brothers who are alot like you -- very kind, generous and wonderful. But they married women who needed to be "saved". These are the women who find themselves in one crisis after another. They have a psycho ex, their children are having problems, they have financial problems, have a problem with their boss, maybe an addiction or not.... But both guys married this type of woman because (I think) they wanted to "save" these women from their problems... Now both are divorced - the women screwed up their finances, credit ratings, and lives and were basically white trash. One has remarried my cousin (who is beautiful, appreciates him and didn't need to be "saved".) She is so very lucky. And, she knows it.

Personally, I never understood the appeal of the bad boy. Who needs that sort of crap in their life? I don't. I like the nice guy!

Okie said...

I have no clue, man. Just be yourself.

Ranger Tom said...

Linny: You think being treated shitty is fun? Just aking...

cmk: It's getting harder and harder to keep the faith every day...

Bev: Ya' think? LOL

Sherri: The thing that is really ironic is that some assholes start out as nice guys, only to be turned into assholes by this sort of treatment...

Lisa: Sounds like my marriage... Some day I'll blog more about that.

Okie: Niether do I dude, but I'll tell you this much, my bullshit detector was pretty sensitive before, now I've upped it one more notch.

DivineMsN said...

Don't do it Ranger Tom! Women who fall for bad boys are A**holes. They fall for their games and believe their bullshit. But it never works out in the end. I am so lucky to have finally landed Mr. K. Waiting out his previous marriage to one of South Jersey's finest (insert sarcasm here) was worth it. He is one the nicest, smartest guy I have ever met. Keep your hopes up and don't ever change. The right woman will come along someday! I promise you that!

Ranger Tom said...

MsN: Why not?

Since that's what all women say men are, assholes that think that women are just to be bedded, a conquest... Men are incapable of having feelings or actually CARING, that we just think with our dicks, why not just give in and go with the status quo?

Who am I to argue?

AlaskaJen said...

I'm glad you didn't choose that path Tom. Things are looking up though...right? :)