Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Schleprock

Schleprock was a guy who was another regular at Leneghan's and things always seemed to happen to him. The best part was after these things would occur, he'd come in and tell everyone about them. Some, if they happened to me I'd have never told a soul... He got the nickname from the character in the "Flintstones" cartoon, the guy who always had the black cloud over his head.
Sometimes these thing would happen to him, other times it was stupid shit he would do and freak out other people.
For instance, one night he got home from a particularly heavy night of drinking. He had to urinate so bad by the time he got into the basement door of his house he was doing the 'p-jig' and couldn't hold it anymore. He let it hang out and let loose into the closest available container... The cat's litterbox by the back door. It was one of those "will this piss ever end' voids of his bladder...
So he finishes up and staggers upstairs to pass out next to his wife.
The next morning he shaken awake by his wife, who is holding the cat wrapped in a towel and fear in her eyes...
"____ get up! We have to take the cat to the vet!"
"Why?"
"Because it's just pissed half it's weight and over flowed the litterbox!"
What makes this all the more hilarious is the fact that he never told his wife it was he who filled the litterbox, and shelled out $300 to the vet on tests on the cat just so he could hide the indiscretion to his wife...
Another time he was at the pub and had a few too many... He ordered a pizza to take home and took it out to his car and sits the box on the passenger side. He decides to eat a slice driving home so he pops the lid open on the box...
Next thing he remembers is he's laying across the front seat of his car and his head is pounding. He sits up and can't see out of his right eye. He puts his hand up to his face and feels this warm, sticky stuff and pulls his hand away to see what it was. He looked at his hand and it was covered in red.
Blood! Someone beat the shit out of me! He thinks and rushed in the house and calls 911...
When the police and Fire Rescue arrive it was soon discovered what had happened to him. I'd have loved to have been the cop who showed up. From what I understand they're still laughing about that at the 8th District.
Apparently he passed out and fell into the pizza after he parked in front of his house, and the pizza cheese and sauce plastered itself to his face... When he woke up his eye was glued shut by mozzarella...
Like I said, if any of these things ever happened to me I'd never tell a soul... Well, the cat box one was pretty funny so I guess I'd have fessed up to that one.
There was another time when he got the living shit beat out of him by a few New Jersey State Troopers... That included a few references to East German border guards and UFO's... It's hysterical but far to visual of a story to relate here and it was just so damn funny coming from him...
And alcohol was a key factor in all of them... And the police were usually involved at some point... One time he got thrown out of a bank when he tried to cash his check using an expired PA driver's license as ID...
"I'm sorry sir, I can't accept this as ID, it's expired..."
"But it's still me!"
Escalation to the point of having the police called, stick therapy and another night in central lockup... He was a really nice guy, but never realized that 99% of the shit that did happen to him he brought on himself. We loved his stories though and would wait in anticipation for the next episode of his antics...
Not that I or my friends would ever derived pleasure or entertainment from someone else's misfortune... Not us.
Copyright 2006 Thomas J Wolfenden

9 comments:

Sherri said...

LOL! I can't help but wonder if this guy is still alive and well! Holy cow!

honkeie2 said...

God I love drunks, they always have the best stories. Should hear a few that come from my bro in law, he is in the navy and like most navy ppl I know like the bottle a little to much.
Watchout for those Jersey state troopers, they scare me! I have never been pulled over by one but those nazi outfits they wear make the jewish ancestors I have in me nervous lol.

berly02 said...

Ya, I know what you mean. I DO NOT feel better about myself after hearing about someone else's mess ups. ;)

Okie said...

Sounds like an uncle of mine.

Becky said...

Laughed so hard *I* nearly needed a litter box! Thanks for sharing.

Lisa said...

The cat story made me laugh out loud. Thanks!

Crazy Me said...

I would love to meet this guy. He sounds like a riot!

Courtney said...

OMG - that's so funny! Thanks, Tom - I definitely needed a laugh today :)

Kat_womanx2 said...

I swear I must have transported ALL of this mans relatives this weekend!!!