Sometimes my mind wanders. It wanders a lot. I've been working on my novel, and it's going well, although it's turning rather dark. The whole premise was rather dark to be honest, but it's turning darker than I thought it would. This song pretty much sums up the story I've written so far, and IF I ever get it published, and IF it gets made into a movie, I'd really like this song to be included in it's soundtrack...
The lyrics are so damn powerful...
"...Looking beyond the embers of bridges glowing behind us
To a glimpse of how green it was on the other side
Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide
At a higher altitude with flag unfurled
We reached the dizzy heights of that dreamed up world
Encumbered forever by desire and ambition
There's a hunger still unsatisfied
Our weary eyes still stray to the horizon
Though down this road we've been so many times
The grass was greener
The light was brighter
The taste was sweeter
The nights of wonder
With friends surrounded
The dawn mist glowing
The water flowing
The endless river..."
Those lyrics just hit home for me, especially at this point in my life. And fit in with the main character in the book. Even though I'm where I want to be in my life right at this moment, I still look back with disgust at some of the decisions I've made, things I've done, bridges I've burned... But in all they've been a huge learning experience to me, lessons I'll not soon forget, but that doesn't stop the bitterness from creeping in.
The thing I'm the most bitter about when I look back on my life is, once upon a time, I was voted "Class Clown". I loved to laugh, and to make people laugh. At one point it was suggested to me to become a Stand up Comedian. I loved to have people laugh around me, especially if I was the brunt of the joke, because if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?
So comes the bitterness... Life, and it's events I've been through or seen have sucked all the humor out of my every day life. I've forgotten how to laugh, or even smile anymore. My entire essence, my life, has been sucked out of me by people whom I thought I could trust, lovers who never, not ever once gave one thought about really getting to know the real me... Listening, really listening to me, and not just hearing words and putting their own spin on how it should be or how I should fit into their over-simplified and childish view of the world, or how the real world really is...
Even my writing, this blog and my book, were taken away from me for a time. The only real pleasure I had in my life anymore. My Father has been gone over 17 years, my mother a little over 4... All of my family is hundreds of miles from me. I'm here alone. And the very last vestige of my personality, my essence which was my humor, has been stripped from me.
Sure, I love my job. But at the end of the day, where does that leave me? Sure, I have good friends here... But, you know, no one to actually share what little joy I have left. I vent my spleen here from time to time... I'm really trying to get my humor back... I put on a good front in public, to my friends here, but yet again, at the end of the day, I'm left feeling hollow and empty.
So this is a good song for me today.
Video pinched from YouTube
Lyrics Copyright 1994 David Gilmour & Polly Samson
Maudlin diatribe Copyright 2009 Thomas J Wolfenden