Monday, June 29, 2009

A Dark Music Monday...

Sometimes my mind wanders. It wanders a lot. I've been working on my novel, and it's going well, although it's turning rather dark. The whole premise was rather dark to be honest, but it's turning darker than I thought it would. This song pretty much sums up the story I've written so far, and IF I ever get it published, and IF it gets made into a movie, I'd really like this song to be included in it's soundtrack...

The lyrics are so damn powerful...

"...Looking beyond the embers of bridges glowing behind us

To a glimpse of how green it was on the other side

Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again

Dragged by the force of some inner tide

At a higher altitude with flag unfurled

We reached the dizzy heights of that dreamed up world

Encumbered forever by desire and ambition

There's a hunger still unsatisfied

Our weary eyes still stray to the horizon

Though down this road we've been so many times

The grass was greener

The light was brighter

The taste was sweeter

The nights of wonder

With friends surrounded

The dawn mist glowing

The water flowing

The endless river..."

Those lyrics just hit home for me, especially at this point in my life. And fit in with the main character in the book. Even though I'm where I want to be in my life right at this moment, I still look back with disgust at some of the decisions I've made, things I've done, bridges I've burned... But in all they've been a huge learning experience to me, lessons I'll not soon forget, but that doesn't stop the bitterness from creeping in.

The thing I'm the most bitter about when I look back on my life is, once upon a time, I was voted "Class Clown". I loved to laugh, and to make people laugh. At one point it was suggested to me to become a Stand up Comedian. I loved to have people laugh around me, especially if I was the brunt of the joke, because if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?

So comes the bitterness... Life, and it's events I've been through or seen have sucked all the humor out of my every day life. I've forgotten how to laugh, or even smile anymore. My entire essence, my life, has been sucked out of me by people whom I thought I could trust, lovers who never, not ever once gave one thought about really getting to know the real me... Listening, really listening to me, and not just hearing words and putting their own spin on how it should be or how I should fit into their over-simplified and childish view of the world, or how the real world really is...

Even my writing, this blog and my book, were taken away from me for a time. The only real pleasure I had in my life anymore. My Father has been gone over 17 years, my mother a little over 4... All of my family is hundreds of miles from me. I'm here alone. And the very last vestige of my personality, my essence which was my humor, has been stripped from me.

Sure, I love my job. But at the end of the day, where does that leave me? Sure, I have good friends here... But, you know, no one to actually share what little joy I have left. I vent my spleen here from time to time... I'm really trying to get my humor back... I put on a good front in public, to my friends here, but yet again, at the end of the day, I'm left feeling hollow and empty.

So this is a good song for me today.

Video pinched from YouTube

Lyrics Copyright 1994 David Gilmour & Polly Samson

Maudlin diatribe Copyright 2009 Thomas J Wolfenden


honkeie2 said...

I know all about looking back and remembering the smile we once had. I got mine back, it took sometime but that freak off his leash came back with a vengance after I got that monkey (exwife) of my back. She killed a large part of my smile but after some deep rooted therapy at the bottom of many bottles I am back. I dont know if I could ever do stand up but I love making people laugh. And yes I missed the laughs you gave me while you were gone. Still glad to have you back in the world of blogger!

Ranger Tom said...

Honkeie: Getting old sucks. Things we used to find funny aren't funny anymore.(although that old commercial from Life Alert where the old lady falls down the flight of stairs I still find hysterical for some warped reason...) up until a few years ago people who knew me would have used the word "funny" to describe me, now it's "serious"... And I'm trying to find that happy medium where I can still be myself. It's really good to be back, I really enjoy your humor also. Still no luck in locating the Moon Pies for you though!