Tuesday, February 22, 2005


I’ve heard it said before that the more criticism you receive in print, the more famous you are. If that’s really true, the amount of negative email I’ve received since I started this blog a mere three weeks ago (Not even mentioning all the negativity I received from my ex-wife in the last years) has put me right up there in the ranks of Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin and Michael Jackson.
Here’s a very small sample of the emails I’ve received and my responses:

Mr. Wolfenden,

Your recent article on chromosomes is quite wrong. You couldn’t be farther from the truth in the makeup of the human genome. It’s the male who... Blah, Blah, Blah... (He then went on ad nausium on this and then went into a long essay on the ability to warp the time-space continuum with his microwave and an Oster 15-speed blender... I won’t bore you, but I was put into a coma for several days after reading it.)


Dr. Richard Cranium, Ph.D.
Director of Research
Vinnie’s Gene-O-Rama & Stem-Cell Emporium
Teaneck, NJ

You know what doc? It isn’t funny if I have to explain it. I think you’ve been hanging around up there in north Jersey among the toxic waste dumps. If you want to do some really stimulating genetic research, head south to the Pine Barrens. On second thought, you’re probably very familiar with that subject. I’m almost positive that your family tree is a stick, isn’t it? As for you being a "doctor", you’re a Ph.D. A "doctor" of Philosophy. Isn’t philosophy a study of what might be and what could be? You can’t get facts, so you just sit around all day thinking about what could be? Think about this: The lobotomy you had worked.

In response to the "Fat Chicks":


I take great umbrage on your recent post about diametrically challenged females proliferating the Internet dating sites. Just because I don’t have a recent photo posted on my profile and my bodytype is considered "bovine" and the last time I was at Virginia Beach, VA several members of Greenpeace began throwing pails of seawater on me and trying to push me back into the ocean doesn’t mean I can’t get a man through internet dating. I’ve met several thousand very nice gentlemen over the last year after being separated from my husband. I can’t help it that none of them will return my call after I sleep with them.


Your ex-wife

Whoa, Elsie! Don’t have a cow! You are udderly ridiculous, so it would behoove you not to chew on this cud too long. (I’m milking this one...) Look pasteurize for once! It’s a JOKE for Christ’s sake!
Moooooooving on..... No more cow jokes. Now we move on to penguins!

Master Thomas,

I’m quite certain you will burn in hell for all eternity for saying the sweet, dear sisters of the Order of the Blessed Bleeding Hearts of the Stormtrooper are evil. I would have though we had enough time in the eight years you spent with us to beat the WORD OF GOD into you!


Sister Mary Idi Amin
Mother Superior
Blessed Bleeding Hearts of the Stormtrooper

Ok sister. I’ll go see Father Patty O’Furnature and confess. That should make it all better then, won’t it?

Ok, these aren’t real emails. But believe it or not, I have received several from people who simply CANNOT take a damn joke. I’ve got two things to say to them. Get over it, and if I’m pissing you off that much you have to take the time to write me a nasty email I must be doing something right. That’s my motto, isn’t it?

Pissing off the entire World, one person at a time!"

Copyright 2005 Thomas J Wolfenden

No comments: