Sunday, February 13, 2005

Internet dating, Fat chicks and that extra "Y" chromosome

I know I'm going to piss a bunch of people off with this one...

Women have an extra Y chromosome in there DNA makeup. Do you know why? I'll tell you. You'll never figure them out, so most of us men wind up beating our heads against a brick wall and muttering "Y" ask "Y" over and over again. We feel we're in a perpetual Bud Dry commercial from the early 90's.

Let's face it guys. If this were really a contest, which I really don't believe it is, we will NEVER win. Period.

Again, I don't believe it's a contest. It shouldn't be. But that extra Y chromosome makes it into one. I hear all the time on TV how women want a nice guy who's in touch with his emotions and feminine side... So what happens? You do that and your a pussy. "Oh, I had to break up with him because he was a wimp." You act cool and macho, you're an asshole. "Oh, I had to break up with him, he was such a jerk." What the fuck?

You say all the right things at exactly the right time, send little cards, flowers for no reason... Treat her like a princess... What's that get you? Nothing. A kick in the nuts for your effort.

My marriage split up after nine years this time last year. I thought I had the perfect marriage. When we started out, it was a true equal partnership. Some nights she cooked dinner, some nights I did. We shared all the household chores, not one persons job. I liked that arrangement. We both worked full time jobs so that was only fair. Then things started to get stale. Our sex life faded first. (God forbid you try any other position other than the missionary and she made taking a shower together into a chore for Christ's sake) and we started to drift apart. Sex between us had grown so far apart that the last year we were together it was a grand total of nine times... It was also pretty pathetic too. I've never been a "Minute Man", but when I tried to quit smoking a few years ago I did the Zyban thing. It said in the warnings that it "May cause some sexual side affects" Well, my 'hydraulics' worked but I could go for HOURS... And what was the ONE thing I'd never thought I'd hear any woman say, let alone my wife? What exactly were the four little words that was paramount to a mental castration?

"Are you done yet?"

I digress. We had the internet, so I did the next best thing. No, I did not go out and go on the dating sites, but I am getting to that. Hold yer' horses! So, like I said. We had the internet. I'm a guy. A guy who's wife continually turns him down no matter how romantic he gets. All this talk about 'Same Sex Marriages' I was lucky to have a 'Some Sex Marriage'... You do the math:

One Fridgid Wife + One Horny Husband + Internet = "Welcome! You've Got Porn!"

Guys are visual. Very visual. So I was taking matters into my own hand so to speak. It got to the point that if I wanted a manage a tio.. (Oh, that silly French word for "Three Way") I used both hands. "Left, meet right, right, meet left... How do you do?" I got berated by doing that! Again, here's a woman who's turning me down everytime I even hint at making love and basically telling me "If I'm not getting any, neither will you." I really did this once. About three AM, I went into the bathroom and got a few Tylenol and crawled back into bed. I gently shook her awake and said:"Honey, here's the Tylenol." She asked me in a sleepy voice what the Tylenol was for. "For your headache, dear." She looked up at me and actually said it. "Tom, I don't have a headache." I smiled and said "Gotcha!"

That didn't work either...

What the Fuck? "Y" ask "Y"?

Another word on porn here really quick. That can be a big hit to your ego also. As the more of it I watched, the more depressed I got. What most of the adult videos should be named any more is one standard title: "Guys with way bigger cocks than yours banging chicks you'll never get."

So porn can be a double-edged sword.

But then the accusations came when I didn't stop. Let's face it. A man can only turned down so many times before the frustration factor will hit the red zone and he'll do it anyway. I was being accused of trying to meet women on the internet. That was over the top for me at the time. She just didn't get that I didn't want to cheat, only wanted a little loving once in a while. What I didn't realize at the time as I was still blind to it, was all her accusations about me was merely at that point deflection away from her guilt. She had been out on me several times and at the time was pregnant with a child that I'd figure out later couldn't have possibly been mine.

"Y" ask "Y"?

But that's another rant for another time. What I'm really leading up to is internet dating. So right after we spilt up I went onto a few dating websites. I wanted to see what I'd been accused of for so long was like. I met a very nice woman and we started to see each other. But it was doomed because it was a rebound relationship. The sex was fantastic after 9 years of yawn but we were two separate people wanting two different things out of life. I still think about her fondly and wish her well. Then I stated to meet a few "psychos". I won't get into that much here but one was talking marriage on the first date, and I hadn't even filed my own divorce papers yet... Then I had dated two women in a row who wanted desperately to be my mother (See 'I don't need another mother' post) and were so cloying it was unbearable. Then one I found out later was screwing around on her husband. I broke that off immediately because I put myself in her husband's position... I knew exactly how he'd feel if he knew.

"Y" ask "Y"?

The only thing more prolific on the internet dating sites than psychos are Fat Chicks. Now, I'm not talking just plump here and I don't want to sound too shallow because I'm no Tom Selleck by a long shot and the next ice age will come before I'm chosen for the next season of "The Bachelor". But I'll be honest. I like women who are "Fluffy"... I don't want a wrinkle in the sheets and I'm not looking for some supermodel. I'm talking morbidly obese women. Women with butt-cracks in the front... Women who only wear sweatpants because that's the only thing that will fit them... Women with more chins than a Chinese phonebook...

But then again, some guys really like fat chicks. Then you have the guys who secretly like fat chicks. You know what I'm taking about. You go out on Friday night with a bunch of your friends. You get to the bar about 9 or 9:30 and you order up a beer. Your buddy next to you points out the fat chick across the bar and starts mooing and shit. 30 minutes and 4 beers later he's over in the corner with the same fat chick sucking face... Then he leaves with her. You get a call the next day and he's pissed at YOU for letting him go home with a fat chick. "I slept with a fat chick! How could you let me get so drunk I'd sleep with a fat chick?" he asks... My pat answer to this is; "Listen, buddy. If I had that much booze in my bloodstream, my equipment is not going to work, so you musn't have been that drunk and wanted to sleep with her!"

You can't win with some guys either...

I'm going to piss off a few people here but I really don't give a rat's ass. I may not be any prize-package by far myself, I'm at least weight proportionate to my height. You at least have to be somewhat physically attracted to the person. So if you're going to try the internet dating thing, here's some hints to keep you safe IF you are not looking for a fat chick.

Number one: If they don't have a picture on there profile, or if the newest picture is their highschool graduation picture and they're in there late 30's, run! They're either a Fat Chick or bear a striking resemblance to Madusa and you stand a great chance in being turned into a pillar of salt.

Number two: If any of these words are in there profile to describe themselves; few extra pounds, cuddly, buxom, jolly or anything similar, they are probably a fat chick.

The thing that pisses me off about fat chicks (hell, fat people in general) is I constatly hear them say, "oh! I have a gland problem" or some other such bullshit and in the same breath they're shoving a whole bucket of KFC extra crispy or double whoppers with cheese down their gaping maw, then blame the restaurant for making them fat! With that mentality I think I'll just sue Ford the next time I get a speeding ticket. Well, your Honor, they made a vehicle that would go over the speed limit! It's not my fault!

Fucking spare me.

I'm not getting down on internet dating. I was, up until recently seeing the most beautiful woman I'd ever met. She was funny, vivacious, intelligent. AND beautiful. I loved just being around her. I met her over the internet. We broke up for various reasons and I'd like to think after we both get our shit together we could try again. She was one in a trillion.

So it's not all bad.

Again, if you really dig fat chicks. Give internet dating a shot. I'm giving up on it for the time being though. Sometimes I felt like Captain Ahab... Thar she Blows!!!!!!

And guys, remember this Fat Chicks are like mopeds. They're fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see you on one!

Copyright 2005 Thomas J Wolfenden

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