Catholics Anonymous

Hello, my name is Tom and I'm a Catholic...

Yes, I'm in CA. Catholics Anonymous. We Catholics need a 12 Step program.

Have you ever had the pleasure of sitting through a two hour Latin mass? No wonder I'm fucked up to this day...

"Dominic go get some... I can get if for you wholesale!"

I grew up in an Irish Catholic family in Philadelphia. I guess that's why I'm still riddled with guilt. I don't know what for, but hell I feel guilty for about everything. The Catholics are funny that way. My Mom was the best at making you feel guilty. Forget the Jews... No Yenta mom could beat my mom. My mom was the best. All she had to do was look at you...

It was horrible...

She'd look at me and say; "Tom, you know how disappointed I am..." Then sigh. God it was terrible.

Just rip my heart out!

The cops would pick me up. They'd ask me: "We can take you to jail, or take you home..."
Take me to jail! Beat the shit out of me! Anything as long as I don't have to see my Mom's face.

Like I said, I grew up in Philadelphia. It was tough. I'd leave school in the afternoon, see the local group of tough guys. At 11 they all had their mob nicknames already. Hank the Hammer, Vinny the Hump... 11 year olds.

So every day I'd get my 3:30 ass kicking. I lived on a tough block.


One time I caught a guy trying to break into my truck. I had the guy by the collar and was about to do a tap-dance on this guy's face. Another guy walked up and said a quote from the Bible.

"You know, Vengeance is Mine Sayeth the Lord!"

I couldn't resist.

I stopped in mid swing, looked at him and said, "Yeah, well God's busy! I'm just trying to help him out a little!"

Religion is funny that way. Like the Jehovah's Witnesses for one. They believe that only 144,000 of them will be going to heaven. 144,000! If that were the case, why the hell would they continue to go door-to-door to recruit more?

And the Mormons. Now there's a fucked up bunch. Six or seven wives for Christ's sake. Hell, I couldn't keep one wife happy. How the fuck do they do that?

That and then you have Buddha... How that fuck can you take advice of self-sacrifice and restraint from someone whom weighs nine hundred pounds?

I think God is pissing himself laughing at us. We're so fucking gullible. We'll buy into anything.

Charley Manson proved that.

Copyright 2005 Thomas J Wolfenden