Thursday, February 10, 2005

Nuns are evil

Some people have asked me why I believe nuns are evil. It could be a number of things, but the one thing I’m positive about. Nuns are evil. I'll let you decide.

I was subjected to a Catholic education. Now that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Because of the education I was given, I can read and write the English language, although some of my friends in the UK and Australia will beg to differ with that. But nuns are still evil. I still have nightmares of the penguins attacking me with their thirteen-inch metal rulers and there dust brooms... I had one teacher, Sister Mary Joseph Stalin who was quite the marksman with a blackboard eraser... She was deadly at twenty yards. Whap! Right between the peepers!

But she was a lightweight compared to Sister Mary Adolph Eichman and Sister Mary Hienrich Himmler of the Order of the Blessed Bleeding Hearts of the Stormtrooper. They are the reason I’m the way I am the way I am today. The first thing I can remember was Sister Mary Adolph telling me my dad wasn’t really my dad. Jesus was my dad. Had me convinced. I went home and promptly told my parents this... My dad went apeshit and my mom was white as a sheet... My dad beat the shit out of me and went to have a talk to the nuns and smoothed things over... And this was in first grade. I was six years old. Very impressionable.

How was I to know our mailman’s name at the time was Jesus Martinez?

Second time I got the living shit beat out of me was when I started to question what they were teaching me. I was told I couldn’t eat meat on Fridays, shit like that. I started to read the bible to find out where it said I couldn’t eat meat on Fridays. Had to eat fish. I thought maybe God just dug fish and wanted to have some Arthur Treacher’s Fish and Chips on Fridays, or he was a silent partner in the franchise. I was leaning towards this as I couldn’t find anything in the bible about no meat on Fridays. God was getting a kickback from Arthur. Sixty/forty cut.

I went to Sister Mary Adolph and asked her why I couldn’t find it in the bible... Guess what? I got the living shit beat out of me for READING THE BIBLE! I was beaten in front of the whole class. How dare I actually READ THE BIBLE!!!! Who was I to question the WORD OF GOD? She said she was sent to tell me of the WORD OF GOD, and I should never question her...."You, Master Wolfenden HAVE NOT READ YOUR CATICHISM, HAVE YOU?" All you need to know is in the Catechism!

I was sent to confession. (Confession is where Catholics go to confess all their sins. You go and confess to anything, and you still get to go to heaven... No, that doesn’t reek of hypocracy, does it?)
So I walked across the schoolyard to church where Father Patty O’Furnature was sitting in confessional smelling oddly of Hai Karate! And Jameson’s Irish Whiskey. I got basically the same tirade from him, but also some questions about a Turkish prison and if I’d ever seen a grown man naked. So I had to say twenty Hail Mary’s and all was right with my world again. Aint Catholisism great? Do what ever you want and still get to heaven!

This went on for some time until I enlisted in the Army. I needed a break. Basic Training was joke after the Catholics. No offence to Staff Sergeant Cecil Gann. You were a pussy compared to Sister Mary Adolph Eichman. But you did teach me some great things, like "It don’t mean shit." And "Hey dumbass, that’s the wrong end!"

I survived the Army because of the Catholics. And the Catholics made me what I am today. I’m a recovering Catholic now, and tried to wean myself slowly. I went to a Lutheran church for a while and even got married Lutheran. They’re just "Catholic Lite, all the spirituality and ritual, 2/3 less guilt!" But I gave that up too.

I’m eating a nice big juicy steak on Friday...

Nuns are still evil...

Copyright 2005 Thomas J Wolfenden

1 comment:

DivineMsN said...

I am a victim of Catholic education myself. But I had the added bonus of being raised a HISPANIC catholic, shudder. Talk about strict. I was called a whore if my shorts were too short and I was 10 at the time. I haven't stepped foot in a church in years and I plan on keeping it that way!

PS: Nice point about the Lutherans. My boyfriend is one and I was trying to tell him that they are Catholics just one step down the ladder :)