I've had quite a lot of time to think and reflect over stuff in the last thirteen months.
I've been thinking about my lot in this life, and no matter how screwed up my life is, I've still got it pretty good. But lately I've been thinking. I grew up in Philadelphia. I have a pretty good life. I could have been born in some Third-World shithole, but I wasn't. I was born into privilege. No, my family wasn't rich. Far from it. But I was still born into a family in the greatest nation on earth. I've got a roof over my head, food in the cupboard and a fire in the furnace. That's what sets me aside as privileged. But there's some things that are still pissing me off.
How is it that some people are still able to walk on this earth getting high, drunk, stoned. Doing drugs, beating their wives... Collecting welfare even though they can work. Treating people like shit and still sucking air? Why is it that a guy like me, who never really ever tried to intentionally hurt someone is always getting shit on and a shithead wins a 300 million dollars in the Powerball lottery and is constantly getting locked up for DUI? Guys I went to school with who haven't done shit with there lives getting over on everyone and everything still getting high and drunk on the corner when I went at seventeen and proudly served my country?
I'm a survivor. I've always been a survivor. There's few things in my life I've set out to do in my life that I haven't succeeded at. It still pisses me off. I will succeed in my next venture. I'll be a Railroad engineer. It's what I've always wanted to do and I will do it without any help from family or friends. I'll do it like I've done everything in my life. On my own.
But still I'm pissed off.
I'm pissed off at the big money attorneys getting fat checks for other peoples miseries. Fat people suing fast food places for making them fat. Smokers suing tobacco companies for giving them cancer. Kids suing their parents for hitting them. I'm pissed off at my ex-wife for making my life miserable and even though I haven't tried to have contact with her since last May, she's still able to get under my skin and then ruin what I thought was the best relationship I had ever found. I'm pissed off at the democrats for saying I don't really need a tax cut. I've got news for you mister Democrat. This might come as a shock to you, but it's MY FUCKING money. I worked for it and I should have some say in what kind of tax cut I get. As for Social Security, again, it's my money in the first place assholes. If I want to invest part of it, I should be able to invest part of it. I lose it, that's my own goddamn problem.
I'm pissed off plenty, but I'll survive.
I'll tell you what. IF there really is a God, he's got a shitload of explaining to do.
Copyright 2005 Thomas J Wolfenden
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6 comments:
Question, Tom: What does God have to do with any of this? You talk about all these people and the stupid, selfish, cruel things they do and then promptly dump responsibility for their actions at God's feet. Just curious.
Lora, when I wrote this I was having a particularly bad time and venting... Grabbing at straws to blame all the crappy things going on in my life on someone or something... Since my marriage breaking up, the last two years have been an emotional roller coaster I was trying desperately to get off...
I definately don't feel this way now and have made peace with God...
I still have some serious misgivings and lack of trust & respect for organized religion as a whole so I worship in my own personal way...
First, let me say, I'm impressed by how quickly you found my comment on this post! I didn't think you'd find it on your own and was going to direct you to it in a comment on one of your current posts. Do you scroll back through all your previous postings on a regular basis (doubt it) or do you know something about blogging that I am unaware of? Like some kind of notification when you receive a comment?
Anyway...I knew I would get a decent and civil reply from you in response to my question. Which, I hope you realize, was not intended to be antagonistic. It just always jumps out at me how quick people are to blame God for the actions and attitudes of others. I can understand where you were coming from when you wrote this post. I would be interested in hearing about your spiritual beliefs if you feel you would like to share them with me. If not, that's okay.
I have, obviously, been going back and reading your blog from when you started and continue to enjoy it. You make me laugh, cry, smile, nod in agreement, and, yes, cringe. You have a gift of writing.
Yes, I cringe at some of my older stuff too, especially that one where I was especially bitter over a lot of things. I was going to delete it but decided against. When you read through it gives you an idea on exactly how I was feeling on some stuff. I'm never going to say I'm exactly right on a subject, or that someone else is wrong, just my opinion.
As for my belief, I believe in God, that Jesus died on the cross for my sins and he's my savior. It took a long while to get even back to that point. I was raised Irish Catholic if that gives you any idea on the guilt I was dealing with for a lot of years. I no worship alone, read the Bible at least daily for some comfort. But I will never set foot into another church or belong to another organized religion again. Maybe I'll blog about it soon.
As for finding your comments so fast, I have a "Blog Stalker" who I think is a spy of my ex-wifes' doing so I put a webtracker thingie on my blog that gives me the IP, time & date and which blog pages people go to... I also get an email with any comment also automatically forwared to my email, so I just did a quick look to see what post you commented on.
And I knew you weren't trying to be antagonistic... LOL I aprriciate a good and intelligent question, I also enjoy a good debate.
As always, thanks for taking the time to read my drivel!
Having, myself, been raised by an excommunicated Irish Catholic, I can fully appreciate where you are coming from in matters of belief. I am not saying all Catholics are messed up, but it is sad how many have a skewed perception of God and His will. It is incredibly sad to me the devastation (like beating a child for reading the Bible) wreaked on people in the name of God...and not just by representatives of the Catholic Church. I had to come to learn that the church is made up of people...all too human...sinners. The church we know is never going to be perfect until Christ comes again.
In my blogger profile I refer to myself as "an example of God's grace". I was abused physically and mentally by my father. He was very sexually inappropriate, as well. Very controlling and volatile. I was scared to death of him, tried my best to be good, but I never was good enough. I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was 11 but never made Him my Lord. We didn't attend church when I was growing up because my dad said almost word for word what you say about organized religion.
When I left home, at a very immature 18, I went nuts. Sex, drugs, and rock'n roll all the way. A failed first marriage. The only way I came through all those years is I know God had His hand on me, drawing me to Himself. By the time I was 27 and the mother of a one year old boy, and my second marriage was looking to be heading in the same direction as the first, I realized the only one who could be in control without destroying me was God. As long as I tried to be in control I was out of control. I recommitted myself life to Christ, not only as my Savior, but as my Lord. I came to see that it is not about "religion" but about "relationship". A relationship with Jesus Christ. It has made all the difference in my life. Not that it's perfect; far from it. Bad things are done to me and by me. I have really sucky days. I am still human. But Christ in me makes all the difference. He is working out His will and purpose in my life. I would not go back to the old way for anything.
The fact that you say not only do you believe in God, but that Jesus died on the cross for your sins and He is your Savior tells me a lot. You are finding that relationship with Him, too. Can I ask you, do you think there is a heaven and a hell. And if you died right now, where would you go?
Lora, I'm really not sure if there's a heaven and hell right now. Like with a lot of things, I'm taking it one day at a time.
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