Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Am I going mad?

I've been out of sorts the last week or so. I set up this blog to post my humorous but irreverent observations on my life but I've really been doing some bizarre things lately.

One of my favorite shows on Fox was "Rescue Me" with Denis Leary. In it he plays a NYC firefighter, "Tommy Gavin" who has PTSD and has been seeing ghosts. It's a character I can really identify with. Watching the show I can really understand where the character is coming from.

Like seeing ghosts. It's been a while, but I've started to see them again. Not like in the show, where they actually have conversations in with Tommy and get beer out of his fridge. I've been seeing them in my dreams. Last night was particularly bad. I woke up around 2 AM in a ice-cold sweat and then couldn't get back to sleep. I was doing so good after a year of separation and even better when I found out my divorce was final a month ahead of when I thought it was going to.

I'm quite content now, not totally happy, but I'm content. I'm not depressed, not in the slightest. I still hate waking up in the morning alone, hate it with a passion but I'm being smart and not hopping into bed with just any woman just so I'm not alone.

So I'm doing ok. Not depressed. Content in what I'm doing right now.

But about a week ago, I started crying. Crying over dumb shit. Not just getting a little teary-eyed, but outright weeping. I was watching a little TV the other night and I started bawling uncontrollably over a Goddamn toilet paper commercial. Today on my way home from work I actually had to pull over to sob over a song that came on the radio. It took me fifteen minutes to pull myself together. I've always been the kind of man who isn't afraid to show his feelings (Yes, I cried at the end of 'Old Yeller') but this is a little ridiculous. I'm even getting a little weepy right now and I just can't explain it.

The ghosts at night now this crying....

Am I going nuts?

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