Thursday, March 24, 2005

UFOs are landing

Since getting into law enforcement after I was discharged from the army in 1987 I became a firm believer in UFOs. It was either that or I was the world's biggest nut-magnet.

No matter where I was, some nut case would find me. It slowly dawned on me that UFOs were landing somewhere in Fairmount Park in the night, letting off their crews with orders to find me. No matter where I was, one would somehow hunt me down to drive me slowly insane.

I'd be sitting in Melrose Diner in South Philly at 4AM. I'd be the only patron in the place. I'd be sitting at the counter eating my eggs & scrapple (if you have to ask what scrapple is, you don't want to know) all the way at the far end of the establishment. I'd hear the door open, and like a heat-seeking missile, some nut case would lock onto me. He/she/it would immediately head right to the stool next to me.


What the fuck! I cant even have a cup of coffee in peace.



EPPI (Eastern Pennsylvania psychiatric Institute) must have closed. No. It's the UFOs. Has to be.

But sometimes it wasn't all that bad. I'd have some fun with them.

A lot of times I was in hospital ERs throughout the city taking reports on accidents, victim statements and stuff. One time I was in the ER at Frankford hospital. I was talking to the registrar and noticed a guy sitting in the waiting room acting odd. I asked the woman what his major malfunction was and she replied with a twinkle in her eye that he was waiting for Captain Kapcom from Star Command.

Oh, really? Time for a little fun.

The registrar looked at me and smiled. I reached over and picked up her phone, dialing the hospital operator.

"Hello, operator? This is officer Wolfenden with the police department. I'm down here in the ER and I understand my Captain is here in the hospital somewhere. Could you page him for me? His Name? Captain Kapcom. Thanks!"

All there is to do now is hang up the phone and watch the show.

A wait of about thirty seconds is all it takes. A click is heard and the operator's voice goes throughout the hospital with a metallic rush.

"Would Captain Kapcom please call the operator. Captain Kapcom please call the hospital operator?"

The wayward alien became animated. He stood up and with a huge smile on his face shouted "He's here! He's really here!!!!! They've come back for me!!!!!!!" and ran out into the parking lot, jumping up and down and waving to the sky...

Well, Got rid of one nut and absolutely no paperwork was involved.

But it doesn't end there. Some aliens are in the mainstream. Here's what I mean. Shortly after my ex and I moved to Arizona, we began to frequent the local American Legion post since I'm a Legion member, it was a good place to go to meet new people in the area and get cheap booze. The bartender there was a ditz, and that's putting it nicely. She was a burnt-out cocktail waitress from Las Vegas posing as a bartender. I was already putting her in the "Nut" category when I realized she was an alien.

She was telling my ex and myself one day how her fifth child was a (I'm quoting here) "Spermicide, condom, hysterectomy baby."

I asked her what she ment by that. She said (I shit you not) that after she had a full hysterectomy, everything grew back and she was able to conceive her fifth child.

Grew back? Body parts do not grow back. I told her that and she was insistent. It grew back she said.

Oh, boy. She has to be an alien. Or part starfish of lizard. One's parts don't grow back.

Aliens are among us....

Copyright 2005 Thomas J Wolfenden

1 comment:

DivineMsN said...

Wow, I thought that scrapple was just a baltimore thing :)