Or should I say:
"How not to piss me off because I'm not in the third grade anymore and for the last time I refuse to play your stupid little games."
I hate those chain emails with a passion. I hate those cutsie little fucking notes. You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones that always say at the bottom "Send this on to everyone in your address book within five minutes and you will be blessed with good luck, a Mercedes 500 SEL, 60' luxury Yacht, a mansion and ten million dollars, delete it and you will burn in hell for all eternity!"
One of those was sent to me by one of my well meaning but clueless male friends who think I really wanted to read this kind of crap. It went on about "Rules for women" allegedly written by some guy attempting to let women really know what men want. Well, it was sort of humorous but totally unrealistic. Below I've expanded on it some, omitted other parts and just polished it up some to fit me.
And in the process will probably piss a whole bunch of people off, so there's nothing new there either.
I'll call it "Things women should know if they intend on spending time with me"
Ok. It's my house. If you use the toilet, put the damn seat back up after you're done. Maybe you don't want to fall into a bowl of water in the dark, but it's my place and I certainly don't want to piss all over the seat in the middle of the night. Don't worry, I'll put the seat down at your house...
Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. And I like long hair on women. No other reason than that.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! I will remember them unlike most guys, but DO NOT expect an expensive present. Especially jewelry. I did that once and lost my shirt and I'm not about to spend more money on a ring than my father did on hist first home, ever again. Got it? I'll remember all the important dates, take you to dinner, get you a nice bouquet of flowers and a card, but I will never again buy tiny pieces of rock and gold that cost more than my vehicle.
Do not ask me a question you don't want the answer too. I haven't a clue what shoes goes with that skirt, and PLEASE don't ask me if you look fat in something. If you thing you look fat in it, you probably do and I really don't want to get into a pissing contest. And when we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. So don't ask me, you're wasting your breath. And if I tell you I think what you have on is nice, I really mean it and I'm not blowing smoke up your ass. Honest.
Sometimes, I want to be alone. Deal with it.
Do not ask me what I'm thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss the war in Iraq, Politics, why I still don't trust the Communists, deer hunting and steam locomotives. And sometimes on long drives I tend not to talk and just enjoy looking at the scenery. I'm not giving you the silent treatment, OK? Sometimes I really do just enjoy your company and feel our every waking moment together doesn't have to be filled with meaningless banter. And please do NOT try to give me the silent treatment. It only pisses me off. If I have a problem with you, I'll let you know and I expect the same in return. My name isn't Uri Geller and I am not a mind reader and never will be. My lack of ESP is not proof of how little I care about you.
Sunday = Sleep. God wanted it to be a day of rest. Let me rest for God's sake! If I want to sleep until 2 PM, let me sleep! I certainly do not want to get up on my day off early to go to a White Sale at the mall.
Do not ask me about my ex. I'm not going to discuss her, so please do not tell me about your ex. Every time I get someone telling me about their ex, I feel like they're mentally comparing me to them. I'm not him, never will be. There's a reason he's your ex, so shut the fuck up about him already!
Ask for what you want, when you want it. I'm not a goddamn mind reader. If you still insist on giving me those little subtle hints and you thing I still don't get it, tough shit. I probably DID get it but chose to ignore it because I didn't want to play any sophomoric little games. I got out of grade school years ago and have no desire to act like an eleven year old again.
Unlike most women and some guys, I do not dress for other people. Meaning I don't dress for other guys. I wear Wranglers, pocket T-shirts and boots in the summer, and the same thing in the winter, add only a plaid flannel shirt. I could give a rat's ass what I look like but I definitely do not want to look like some male model in the Abercrombe catalog. He's a faggot anyway. But I don't look like slob by any means and I believe I have good physical hygiene, but I'll never be what you're trying to turn me into. I'm 39 and I'm quite happy with who I am and no matter what you think I will definitely NOT look good in that pink button-down shirt and pleated Dockers, so save your money. You really want to give me something for my birthday or Christmas? Get me socks or underwear. It's something I'll actually appreciate.
I'll be really blunt with this one. Headaches that last four months are a serious medical problem, so go to a doctor. If you don't want to sleep with me, let me know and I'll find someone else who will, OK? Don't use sex as a weapon, I'll only backfire on you. I do not respond to the carrot-and-stick anymore.
Check your oil and pump your own gas when I'm not there. Do not drive past fifteen gas stations twice a day all week to and from work then when you finally get so see me toss me the keys to your vehicle and ask me to get gas. You will be stranded with an empty tank.
And yes, I was looking at her ass, by the way. I may look at the menu at other places, but I ALWAYS know where my dinner is coming from. And don't get all self righteous, women are just as bad as men if not worse in that regard. I've moonlighted as a doorman at a few of those "All Male Reviews" and women are a hundred times worse than men.
You can either ask me to do something OR tell me how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. And I do not need you standing over me commenting on everything I'm doing. That's the one way to be sure it wont get done at all.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do I. Rangers DO NOT get lost. I have been mightily confused a time or two, but I've never been totally and hoplessly lost. Besides, getting a little 'lost' can be actually kind of fun once in a while.
I see in primary colors only, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. I have no idea what mauve is. Give me real colors. Red, blue, white, brown, tan etc. And please don't tell me the color of your car is "Hawaiian Orchid" because that's what the goddamn salesman told you. That's not a color, it's a goddamn flower, ok?
If it itches, it will be scratched. Also, farts are funny. Especially in public. For instance the frozen foods aisle in the local Kroger's.
And the last thing. Just because I'm a rare guy who is not really into sports and really doesn't like to watch them much on TV does not mean I want to curl up with you on the couch on a Saturday afternoon and watch a "Chick Movie Marathon" on Lifetime with a box of tissues and a bottle of wine, OK?
Copyright 2005 Thomas J Wolfenden