Over the Christmas holidays a dear friend of mine got me hooked on mixed nuts, especially the ones they call "Critter Toes" and since then I immediately sift through the contents of every can I get to find them. Since then, I’ve been buying a can or two every time I go to the grocery store.
Last night I brought a can to work with me just to munch on. As I was munching on these mixed nuts, I began to red the can... On the back I was surprised to find a warning.
A dire warning in bold, red ink.
What did the warning consist of?
WARNING! Contains nuts
Well, no shit.
I’d never thought in a million years that a can of mixed nuts would actually contain nuts. I’m glad you’ve had the forethought to let me know about this.
I know of several people who have a severe allergy to any kind of nuts. A deadly allergy. But I also know they have the sense enough not to buy, let alone eat any nuts.
Do I really need someone to tell me that can of mixed nuts actually contain nuts? I think not. I can see from the front of the can pictured in living color a virtual explosion of nuts. If I had an allergy to nuts, do you really think I’d be buying them in the first place?
"Holy shit Martha! This can of nuts actually has nuts in it!"
Seems pretty ridiculous until you start looking into the packaging on other everyday items. I did a little research and found these instructions and warnings on some everyday things one would find around the house.
This is everywhere now, and from the standpoint of a spectator to life, I’ve come to realize some people are so stupid as to need this assistance. Below is only a small sampling of what I've dug up in an exhaustive, scientific Google search of twenty seconds or so.
Printed on the side of a Slush Puppy cup:
"This ice may be cold"
As opposed to ‘hot’ ice?
On the package of a Power Puff Girls Halloween Costume:
"You cannot save the world while wearing this costume"
Someone ought to tell this to this years’ college graduating class and save years of heartache.
In the instruction book of a Nikon camera:
"This camera will only work when film is inside"
Eh, no shit.
The following is found on page 4 of the instruction book of Lucent Technologies Model 6210 Telephone:
To place or answer a call, lift the handset. To place a call, dial the desired number. To end the call, hang up the handset.
But what’s the number to 9-1-1?
Printed on the American Airlines peanuts package:
"Instructions: open packet, eat nuts"
Do I need you to tell me to wipe my ass after taking a shit, too?
Jell-O Pudding container:
"Caution: contents will be hot after heating"
Usually things are hot after I heat them.
On the package of Carefree Gum:
"Use of this product may be hazardous to your health. This product contains Saccharin, which has been determined to cause cancer in laboratory animals"
Doesn’t sound so ‘Carefree’ to me...
Found on the can of W. M. Bolthouse Farms Carrots:
What! No nuts? I want my money back!
Dremel Electric Rotary Tool:
"This product not intended for use as a dental drill"
There go my dreams of starting my own discount dentistry business.
"Directions: Use like regular soap"
As opposed to irregular soap?
Found on the packaging of Demazin Infant Drops:
"This formula may cause drowsiness, if affected do not operate heavy machinery or drive a vehicle"
Whew! Good thing I saw that! I just used some on my three month old and I almost let him start up the D-9 Caterpillar!
On the pamphlet in the package of birth control pills:
"Do not use if you are pregnant, intend to become pregnant, or might be pregnant"
But it’s ok if you’re just a little bit pregnant...
Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness"
Who’d a thunk it?
Midol Maximum Strength Gelcaps:
"Warning: Do not take this product, unless directed by a doctor if you have difficulty in urination due to enlargement of the prostate gland"
That’s why my menstrual cramps are such a bitch! My enlarged prostate!
On the package of Equate Aspirin:
"Warning, Do not take if allergic to aspirin"
But if you’re allergic to nuts, eat these like they are M&Ms!
"This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark"
Thank God! Now I can find my can of carrots that don’t have any nuts in them!
Harry Potter Toy Broom:
"This broom does not actually fly"
Better tell this one to my ex-wife.
500-piece jigsaw puzzle:
"Some assembly required"
And no damn instructions! What’s this world coming to?
Craftsman Push Mower:
"Warning: Do not attempt to remove blade while lawnmower is running"
You know someone actually had to have done that...
On a package of garden hose:
"WARNING - May cause cancer in California"
Phew! I’m glad I don’t live there! I’m safe!
I’m going to print out instructions for the morons who need instructions in every little facet of their lives:
Step one (1): Inhale
Step two (2): Exhale
Step Three (3): Repeat as necessary
Copyright 2005 Thomas J Wolfenden