Sunday, May 15, 2005

We're from the Government, And we're here to help..

Thanks to Kat Woman who set me straight about the "Uttering" law... How it's used in cases where they had to think shit up to charge someone with. I've had to do that once or twice... Thumbing through a dog-eared copy of the PA Crimes Code and saying; "Wait a minute, don't let him go just yet... I'll find something!" The job is full of euphemisms. Like "APB"... What most people think means "All-Points Bulletin" really means "We haven't a fucking clue"

I'm also going to start later this week posting a few strange and funny laws that are actually still on the books, probably once a week. State by state. Anyone that has some they'd like to share, email them to me at: and if you want I'll credit you for the submission. So check back often!

But she did remind me of some things that had me shaking my head a while back. We had a lot of contact with the Feds... FBI, ATF... All the Alphabet agencies. Most couldn't find their ass with both hands, a map and a flashlight, and no one could fuck up a crime scene better than the FBI, or what we called them; "The Mormon Mafia".

We had a few nimrods going around the district with pennies in dime wrappers too, but the most amazing case I ever saw and what transpired into what I'd call the biggest miscarriage of justice was with the Secret Service.

For almost two years counterfeit cash was floating around all the corner stores in the district. Really, really good copies.

Were they $20's, $50 or $100 bills?

Fuck no.

They were really fantastic duplicates of $1 bills.

One dollar bills! And not a whole lot of them. Over a period of about eighteen months maybe $50 was passed.

My first question would have been who the fuck would counterfeit $1 bills?

In comes the SS, Goosestepping though the neighborhood. After about two months of investigation and untold millions of dollars spent on surveillance and other shit the Feds like to spend our tax money on, like tittie bars and shit, they actually got the nefarious counterfeiter.

Was it some gangbanger?

Drug dealer?

Fuck No.

It was an 87 year old retired engraver from the US Mint in Philadelphia, who just wasn't making enough on his pention and would print out a few bills once in a while to buy a dozen eggs, a loaf of bread or a gallon of milk.

So the Feds threw the book at him. He lived alone and had no family, so he languished in Federal lock-up for ten months because he couldn't get anyone to bail him out. We started a fund to get some money together but it was just too much money. I think the bail was set at something like $500,000. That and the Feds found out what we were doing and complained to the commissioner, so we were told not so politely to Cease and desist.

We just felt sorry for the guy. He wasn't any criminal, just and old guy trying to eat something other than dog food.

So much for years of Federal Service.

I really don't know the exact amount on what this whole farce cost the taxpayers, but it was a lot. A shitload more that $50 in counterfeit bills.

Why didn't they just take his printing press and leave him be?

There is no "Justice" in the Criminal Justice System.

What happened to him?

He died in custody before his trial.

Really gives me warm and fuzzy feelings towards the Federal Government.

Copyright 2005 Thomas J Wolfenden

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