Where's Dr. Doolittle?

A fellow blogger recently wrote about a beagle they had that mooed. Yes, moo like a cow. I asked my best friend up in Philly if his beagle did this because I never heard him do it, and he said yes, his beagle did indeed moo.

Too funny.

But that's not the strangest thing I've heard. I once had a reptile tell me to do a physically impossible function.

Yep. A lizard told me to go fuck myself once.

It happened when I was in the Army going through Jungle Warfare school at Ft. Sherman, Panama in the mid-eighties.

My platoon had been patrolling in the jungle all day, and at nightfall we set up a perimeter and ambush. Myself and another soldier were sent out in front of the position about three hundred meters (I always revert to metric when I'm telling an Army story, I don't know why...) to set up an LP, or Listening Post.

My buddy and I set up in the roots of a large tree where a large log was laying over the roots. If you've never had the experience of being in a triple-canopy tropical rain Forest, let me tell you this. When it gets dark, it gets Dark.

My buddy soon fell asleep, so I was elected by default to take the first watch. I hadn't settled into my position too long when this lizard about the size of my hand creeps up and is about and inch from my nose. We eye each other for about a minute in the growing darkness, then he puffs up this little bag under his chin and makes the most startlingly loud noise for such a tiny little critter.

It sounded something like this:

Faaaaawwkkkk Eeeewwwwweee!

Faaaaawwkkkk Eeeewwwwweee!

I'm dumbfounded. The little bastard just told me to go fuck myself! He stayed there unblinkingly, and inch from my nose on that log almost daring me to stop him.

I smacked my buddy awake... "Hey! Wake up! This lizard just told me to fuck myself!"

"Yeah, right. Lemme git some sleep shithead!"

"No, really. He did. Look!"

Just then the lizard told my buddy just what he though of him too.

Faaaaawwkkkk Eeeewwwweeee!

"Holy shit! Did you hear that Tom?"

"Yes, dipshit! That's what I was trying to tell you!"

We both went to grab it at the same time, and he scurried away. We never saw it again... But heard it's taunting all night deep in the jungle... Almost laughing at us. So did the others in my platoon. The instructor gave us a "No Go" for that night's exercise, and almost pissed his pants when we told him.

Of course he didn't believe us.

That really happened. I wish I could have caught the little bastard to record the sound. I guess he was just telling us what he thought of the US Military presence in Central America.

I keep on thinking though of that old Warner Brothers cartoon where the guy finds the box with the frog in it... The one where the frog jumps up with a little top-hat and cane and sings "Hello, my darlin" and nobody will believe the guy.

Where's Dr. Doolittle when you really need him?

Copyright 2005 Thomas J Wolfenden