Sunday, October 16, 2005

I should have known

It was nearing a full moon.

And I was going to have an interesting night. First off I cut myself shaving, not once, not twice but three times last night before work, all on my upper lip... George Carlin had a funny saying about that... "You know those two lines that run up your face...?" And I rarely cut myself shaving. Then, getting out of the shower I stub the smallest two toes on my left foot on the bathroom door... It hurt so bad tears came to my eyes and I couldn't think straight for about ten minutes. I think they're broken, because right now they're both swollen and an ugly blue-black and hurt to move...

In spite of that, everything was going smoothly until around 2 AM. I was doing my checks and as I pull up to the Deli Mart there's a group of four people standing outside arguing, two women and two men.

Great. The place is closed, so I can shoo them off to somewhere else. I hate dealing with domestics, and since there were four of them and only one of me I was especially on edge. It's not in my damn job description anymore either. My boss doesn't pay me nowhere near enough to put up with that kind of shit. I just wanted them away from the big plate-glass window of the store...

So I pull up and in my best cop voice ask what was going on as I separate the two warring parties. I'm not going to go into the whole dialog because it was disjointed and kind of nutty, but what I ascertained from both parties was this:

Male "A" (husband) was angry at female "B" (wife) because she was with female "D"... Male "A" further stated that it was all well and good if female "A" could go out and play with female "D", but it wasn't ok for him to go out and play with male "C"... All he wanted was for her to see it was a two-way street...

Are you following this?

So male "A" wanted to play hide the salami with male "C", but female "B" didn't like that at all, but it was ok for her (female "B") to go and carpet-munch with female "D"...

Oooooookay.

Things that happen in tiny college towns during a full moon.

I was successful in calming down all four parties enough to send them off on their merry little bisexual ways, and amazingly I realized that no mind-altering substances were involved at all.

That was a first in itself. All four were sober as the day is long.

I'm not going to even try to describe what I said or what I did, because I'm not even sure how I did it. Male "C" did squeal with delight when I did suggest they all get a room together... Both males definitely were effeminate, and female "D" had more testosterone coursing through her veins than I'll ever have. The only normal looking one was female "B"... But just the thought made me ill.

And my skin crawled...

As an aside, male "C" did resemble the naked guy I had seen walking down the middle of State St. about two months ago, and for a second I though about asking him if it was him but the moment passed and I just wanted their little freakfest as far away from me as possible, Hinton maybe. Canada would be even better.

Then, to end my shift in a fantastic way, I killed an owl. Not just any owl, a Great Horned Owl. I was driving south on Rt. 20, and the bastard just flew out and did a nose-dive into my windshield. Luckily he hit it in such a way that he didn't go right through, killing me. I did have to wash off the blood though.

Me, trucks and wildlife don't seem to mix well lately.

Butchered upper lip, broken toes, bisexual cat-fight and a kamakazi owl. Some days it's not even worth getting out of bed, and the full moon is still two days away...

Copyright 2005 Thomas J Wolfenden

8 comments:

Dirk said...

As an aside, male "C" did resemble the naked guy I had walking down the middle of State St. about two months ago,
'Had' in what way? ;-)

Ranger Tom said...

Had "seen"...

Typo now fixed... LOL

Just Some Gal said...

I just found your blog by surfing through some others... OMG, you are an extremely talented writer and the humor...lol I love it. Only a small town would have that kind of potential tryst in public. lol

Ranger Tom said...

Gee, thanks Blondie... My head's gonne start swelling with all this positive stuff...

LOL

DivineMsN said...

Bi-Sexual CatFight? Sounds like a porn film! Don't put any WVA people in it though. :P

Ranger Tom said...

Niether would be a pretty sight, Ms N...

And, BTW, there are plenty of extremely attractive people here in WV, I'll have you know... I could name a few, but I won't ;P

Kat_womanx2 said...

As those of us in EMS say about the full moon....."Its not worth chewing through the restraints to be out here tonight!!"

Ranger Tom said...

Kat, I was so temped to use that saying...