Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Lawsuits "R" Us...

Since litigation has surpassed baseball as the Great American Pass-time I thought I'd give you a few I've been collecting from newspapers and the web for a while.

While I do understand that sometimes people get injured due to other people's negligence and the tort system is needed to protect us from some people who just don't give a shit, these below are just ridiculous. What still amazes me apart from the stupidness of the claims, is that some lawyer actually had the balls to file them, and more importantly, a judge who actually agreed to hear these cases.

If I was the judge I'd have thrown them out before they even went to trial.

And here we are, RT's List of Ridiculous Lawsuits:

A guy sued Anheuser-Busch for emotional distress after drinking the company's beer without later having "success with women."

Instant asshole, just ad beer...

A minister and his wife sued a guide-dog school when a blind man stepped on the wife's toes in a shopping mall.

Nice to know that there are still people of God out there willing to turn the other cheek...

A San Diego man sued the city for emotional trauma during a concert when he saw women using the men's rest room.

Only in California...

In December 1996, a New York jury awarded $5.3 million to a secretary who claimed she was injured by a Digital Equipment Corporations keyboard. Rather than asserting that keyboards were defective, her lawyers contended that Digital neglected to warn its users about the dangers of typing.

Just goes to show you that juries are made up of twelve people to stupid to get out of jury duty...

And my all-time favorite:

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. - A woman is suing the pharmacy that sold her a popular contraceptive jelly - because she ate the stuff on toast and got pregnant anyway.

And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's got an excellent chance of collecting!

"The woman is a complete idiot," said one attorney who asked that we not use his name. "How bright can you be if you think eating a vaginal gel will prevent conception?"

But certain aspects of the case involve truth in labeling and false advertising issues. She may not collect but she'll make a lot of noise and trouble. People are down on lawyers anyway. They think we waste time and money on frivolous lawsuits. This isn't going to help public relations any.

A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says he's shocked and angry that such a case could ever be taken seriously. "All she has to do is open the box and read the directions," says the spokesman. "Next thing you know someone will come after us because they couldn't stick things together with their toothpaste.
"I can just imagine some moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't it? Why can't I glue these papers onto my bulletin board?'"

But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied to by implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for the hardship the woman will have to endure.

"It says right on it 'jelly'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former model who was once a cheerleader for a popular professional basketball team.

"And they kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the food section. I know, now, that the directions say it should be used vaginally with a condom."

"But who has time to sit around reading directions these days - especially when you're sexually aroused?
"The company should call it something else and the pharmacy shouldn't sell it without telling each and every customer who buys it that eating it won't prevent you from getting pregnant."

As bizarre as it sounds, the pharmacy could wind up losing the lawsuit.

"It's hard for businesses to avoid troublesome lawsuits" said another attorney "With the courts bending over backwards to please consumer groups, the temper of the times is perfect for these crackpots to bring legal action against businesses - even a moronic legal action like this."

Maybe she was going to give him a blowjob and didn't want to get pregnant?

Copyright 2005 Thomas J Wolfenden

12 comments:

Kev said...

So let me get this straight ... she doesn't have enough time to read the directions because she is too sexually aroused, but she stops everything to run into the kitchen and make toast?

This is a very stupid woman ... unfortunately, she's just the type who will appeal to the jury.

This reminds me, I strongly urge people not to use that Kentucky Jelly stuff. It makes the bread so darned slippery that even with lots of peanut butter the sandwich still slides apart, plus it gives you the runs.

Ranger Tom said...

That's about it Kev... And remember what I said, juries are made up of 12 people too stupid to get out of jury duty.

I've seen juries do some really fucked-up things in my time on the job. Scary actually. Good for some, bad for others.

cantellya said...

Doesn't Preparation H specifically say "not for oral consumption?" And (I heard this somewhere) what about those little packet of silicone that come with say, a pair of shoes or a stereo system? It says "Do not eat." Now who the heck would buy a pair of shoes thinking, "Oh, cool, something to eat!"?

Crazy Me said...

Are you freaking kidding me? What is the world coming to?

cmk said...

"The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers."
William Shakespeare

'Nuff said!

Dirk said...

Two of my favourite - successful lawsuits:
A man sued a factory owner for having an unsafe workplace after falling through a skylight as he was breaking in.
While in America, a woman sued a major retail chain (Walmart?) for causing emotional stress due to the behaviour of unruly children. They were her own kids.

MacManus said...

Maybe I can sue my work for giving me a stomach ulcer from all of the coffee that I drink...they supply it and there is no warning anywhere saying 20 or more cups of coffee may affect you health.

Bugger, theres one big flaw in that plan...we can't sue people in New Zealand.

I think it works well that way...it allows the courts to be used for prosecuting criminals, rather than wasting their time hearing ridiculous claims from lazy, greedy people.

What do you call 10 laywers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!

Lindsey said...

We were just talking about lawsuit happy folks today at work. Everyone seems to think they are 'owed' something. Give me a break.

Ranger Tom said...

Cantellya: You know the only reason those warnings are there in the first place is that someoene actually had to have done it... Felony Stupid.

Angela: I've only scratched the surface...

Cmk: Well, I wouldn't go that far... Maybe 20,000 at the bottom of the ocean

Dirk: Again, only in America!

Paul: You can't sue at all? Isn't that just a little too extreme?

Linny: Yep, it's that whole entitlment mentality that's rife in the country.

Tina said...

Tom, I need to talk to you about something...really bad.

Cheryl said...

I hate to say it, but why am I not surprised that this woman was a model AND a cheerleader? What an idiot! I hope she loses. And I am really sorry to hear she has procreated.

Ranger Tom said...

Tina: Ooookay...

Cheryl: It is funny, isn't it? And I'm a firm believer in the shallower the gene pool, the more apt they are to procreate anyway.