Saturday, January 13, 2007

The scare of my life, or how high cholesterol can really almost kill you

This might be a little to much information for some of you but I do have to vent...
Ever since my separation from my ex-wife and the ensuing divorce I've been getting a yearly HIV test. I wasn't sure just what little hitchhikers she had brought home to me so I was being safe and getting myself checked.
So since I had a doctor's appointment this past Tuesday and he was going to do a full blood workup on me anyway, if figured what the hell, toss in the HIV test along with it. It's been almost a year since my last one so I didn't see the harm in killing two birds with one stone.
No problem, he writes the orders, I make a follow-up appointment for the 16th of this month to go over my test results for everything else and go over to the outpatient clinic to let the vampires have some blood.
So Thursday rolls around, I get home from work, do some laundry, cook myself some dinner, watch the news and go to bed... Around 3 PM my phone rings and wakes me up. I look at the caller ID and it's the Doctor's Office... Must be serious because I left instructions on my chart NOT to call after 11 AM... I'm asleep. Calling me at 3 PM is the equivalent of you weird people who work in the daytime getting a phone call at 2 AM... So I think it might be serious... I answer the phone...
"Hello, Mr. Wolfenden?"
"Yes...?"
"We've got your lab results and the Doctor needs to go over some things with you..."
The very first thought I had was "Oh shit!"
My heart is pounding in my chest now, my mouth gets instantly dry... My breathing is shallow at this point and as I break out in a cold sweat I ask...
"What's wrong?"
"Sir, we can't give any information over the phone since it's an HIV test..."
"Well, it's got to be serious if you're calling me... I already HAVE an appointment next Tuesday!"
"Then you can come in then sir..."
"What the fuck! Tell me what's wrong, damnit!"
"Sir, like I said before, we can't give that information out over the phone... But your cholesterol is a little high..."
"No shit my cholesterol is high! I'm forty-one fucking years old and don't eat right... Now my blood pressure is sky-high too!"
"I'm sorry sir... You'll have to discuss this with the Doctor..."
After a few more words are exchanged, none of them really pleasant, I hang up and try to get back to sleep....
Yeah, right. That's going to happen.
I finally fall back to sleep about two hours later, tossing and turning... I do remember getting up at one point to use the bathroom... This is where it gets funny... I do remember being so tired I sat down to piss...
I wake up to my alarm clock a little later, stagger out to brush my teeth and look in my reflection in the mirror...
Ack!
The head of my dick is blue!
I've got HIV now my dick is turning blue and going to fall off!!!
I look again and the color is strangely similar to the water in my toilet...
Dumbass! Your John~Thomas hung down into the water earlier when you were pissing...
Another stroke avoided.
But I still HAD to find out what the fuck was wrong with my test results. I couldn't wait until Tuesday. So after a troubled night at work I drove directly to the Doctor's office and waited until they opened at 8AM... I told the receptionist what had happened and she immediately got the doctor.
I told him my story and he was very apologetic and we went over my test results.
Hep. A - Negative
Hep. B - Negative
HIV - Negative
My LDL cholesterol count by the way? 131
The "Target" range for a male in my age group is 130 or lower.
So for one fucking point I almost stroked out and got a blue dick on top of that.
But I did get a script for Lipitor...
Shit like this can only happen to me I keep telling you...
Copyright 2007 Thomas J Wolfenden

13 comments:

ECBlade said...

yay! I'm first commenter. Ok, first: I do have empathy, really, I do. But I nearly pissed myself reading this, as Simon said to me last night about his giggling at one of my posts: It's inappropriate laughter and I apologize unreservedly.

But...Damn, Tom! It really could only happen to you.

Red Hot Sexy Papa said...

I have high cholesterol at the age of 28! I beat it by exercising. Can't afford heart attack or any frigging heart diseases since i have a family history of that.

Fathairybastard said...

You made me look up my stats. LDL - 100, HDL - 37, and I'm a fat hairy bastard that doesn't exercise and eats whatever the fuck he wants. Of course, my dick doesn't fall into the water when I sit to pee, but you can't have everything.

mist1 said...

How deep is the water in the toilet bowl?

tsduff said...

HA HA HA HA - that is horrbly funny.. had a rough night did ya? Sorry about your scare - but the blue ding dong had me ROFL! My cholesterol is way too high - but I'm trying oh so hard to be good.

Burg said...

I HATE it when doctor's do that! I've had a couple do that kind of crap to me.. Glad you didn't have a stroke!

Burg said...

I HATE it when doctor's do that! I've had a couple do that kind of crap to me.. Glad you didn't have a stroke!

Mushy said...

Remind me not to ever compare John-Thomas' with you! Damn, you're either hung like a plow mule or that water is backing up in your bowl!

Glad you are okay.

cmk said...

PLEASE don't be mad: I almost pissed myself I laughed so hard! Mental images abound. :D (And yes, I have had doctor's offices pull asshole stunts like that on me, too--may they all turn blue and fall off!)

Ranger Tom said...

Ecblade: Yep, I keep telling you. This shit can only happen to me!

Red Hot: Geting on and off a locomotive several times a night along with walking the entire lenght of my trian several times doing a brake test is enough exercize for me.

Fathairybastard: But scaring the shit out of me for one fucking point? And nope, we all can't have everything ;)

Mist1: Deep

Tsduff: Feel free to laugh your ass off at me anytime you want. That's why I put it here!

Burg: So am I!

Burg: So am I!

Mushy: I stopped playing show & tell in grade school!

Cmk: You can laugh at me too... I'll let ya!

Burg said...

Uh... Sorry that posted twice.. I didn't know it did until just now.. Stupid blogger!

Reba said...

I used to work for a Dr. who specialized in cancer. I hated calling patients for the Dr. to tell them that they had cancer. It would never fail that I would get the wife and the husband would be unavailable. With new regulations we can't tell the wife the diagnosis. Since we wouldn't tell her she automatically knew it was cancer cause we would tell her if it wasn't. Made me feel so guilty.

Glad to hear that you are basically healthy.

Reba said...

Oh my god,I got so caught up in past memories I forgot to comment on the Blue penis.

My first thought was shit it hangs to the water.