Stupid is...

...is stupid does!

Or so Forrest Gump, one of the greatest minds of the twentieth century said.

I said yesterday I was partnered up with a evangelical bible thumper. Well, he's not only that, but he's pretty much a dim bulb too.

Not the swiftest sloop in the regatta...

Not the sharpest tool in the shed...

When we get to the mine for our first shift, we had to be what they call in the coal mining business "Hazard Trained" for that particular mine. Everyone has to go through it before they can set foot onto mine property. It's really not much, just a list of do's and dont's that the mine says you must follow, or if you get maimed, dismembered or killed through non-compliance of these rules it holds the company free from liability. It's pretty straight forward stuff, like look before crossing the road, don't go near pinch-points of heavy machinery when in operation, don't touch live elctrical wires when standing in pools of water, don't fart into methane detectors...

That kind of stuff.

One thing in particular I do remember on this paper we had to read and sign was one five-letter sentence in bold print.

DO NOT FEED THE BEARS!

Again, pretty straight forward and loaded with common sense. I know better that to feed the bears at the mine or anywhere else for that matter.

So, we all read and sign the slip of paper, so now we've all been properly "Hazard Trained" for the jobsite and ready to start work. I'm assigned the patrol vehicle and basically have free-reign of the property and Roger Ramjet gets the back gate guard house.

I'm patrolling around the property, getting the lay of the land so to speak and after about two hours or so I finally make my way around to the rear of the mine proper to the rear guard house. I come up over a hill to see the guard house and what do I see?

Three bears slowly walking back into the woods from the direction of the shack.

I pulled up to my partner and ask if he saw the bears.

"Yep! Sure did! I gave them some apple pie and some potato chips!"

D'oh!

"Eh, did you not see the part about not feeding the bears?"

"Yep!"

"Then why, if I may ask, did you feed the GODDAMN BEARS?!?"

"Please, do not take my Lord's name in vain!"

"Ok, I'm sorry. God, please forgive me. But why did you feed them?"

"Cause they looked peaked!"

"Heh?"

"They looked mighty hungry so I thought I'd give em' some a my lunch!"

"You know, forget I asked. I'll see you later..."

With that I drove away.

I was half expecting that on a later patrol I'd find maybe a leg and part of his uniform left... And some apple pie crumbs leading back into the woods.


And still they keep finding me...


Copyright 2005 Thomas J Wolfenden