Thursday, August 11, 2005

Thmink Tanque

As far back as I can remember I've been hearing about these so-called "Think Tanks".

These faceless corporations who's sole purpose is to make studies and write reports on all sorts of things. Some are extremely important, like Global Warming, Nuclear proliferation and Global Terrorism. Others are trivial like the methane production of the American dairy cow or the fact that you really can fry an egg on the sidewalk at noon in the middle of August in Biloxi, Mississippi.

And they charge millions of dollars to give what amounts to nothing more than their opinion on any given subject they're asked to study.

Who the fuck are these people?

"In a recent report released by the Rand Corporation, a Washington, DC based think tank..."

I'm talking millions and millions of dollars. That's a shitload of cabbage, all for an opinion.

That got me thinking...


Well, let's see. I have an opinion on just about anything. Albeit a fucked up and warped opinion but I do have opinions. Why don't I start my own "Think Tank" and capitalize on them?

I'll even charge half-price. Nation States and heads of multinational corporations will ask me all their burning questions. Stuff that keeps CEO's, Presidents, Kings and Queens awake at night and the makers of Mylanta filthy rich.

At least I'd be frank with them.

"You want to do WHAT? What are you, fucking insane?"

"This just in from the AP... The much awaited and eagerly anticipated report from the ToFuCo Corporation, a West Virginia based think tank, was quoted "what kind and how much dope have you been smoking?' on the studies that the XYZ Company of Caracas, Venezuela on the possibilities of extracting core minerals from..."

There. An honest answer on something, and it only cost half of what the other think tanks would have charged.

ToFuCo Corporation would have three standard answers.

"Good to go!"


"Fuck no!"

"ToFuCo Corporation gave Halliburton a big "Fuck No!' on the current proposal which sent the NYSE and the NASDAQ soaring for the first time in..."

Can't you just picture it?

I Know I can. I'd have a small staff, maybe four or five people. We'd sit in my living room with a case of Schlitz...

"Ok Tommy, the currier just dropped of the proposal..."

"What do they want?"

"Seems Georgia Pacific wants to log some, hey, Phil, toss me another cold one, would ya'? National Forest lands in the Pacific Northwest and the Sierra Club wants to know what the impact of the logging would have on the habitat of the Nocturnal Pink-Bellied Toad Sucker..."

"They like the Spotted Owl?"

"Dunno, I think so. Why?"

"I like Spotted Owls... I'll take another brewski too by the way..."

"Really? You like Spotted Owls?"

"Sure do. They taste just like chicken!" The word 'chicken' said in one huge belch...

Would I save the world or change it for the better? Probably not. Would I make shitloads of money? Sure I would.

Think about it...

Copyright 2005 Thomas J Wolfenden

No comments: