You're shitting me, right?

If you find this picture only as half as disturbing as I do, you will definitely do what I did when I found out some information last night.

Say "What the fuck!" then piss yourself laughing.

So this Friday night was my Monday. I report on, check my stuff out and head out to do my first checks. The diner is ok, and as usual, the girls have a fresh pot of coffee on for me.

Next stop, the Deli two doors down. I go in and say howdy... Make sure everything is ok. One guy who works behind the counter says hi, then smiles. He tells me I have an admirer.

"Oh, really?" I think... This is a college town, and he's a college kid. Maybe one of the coeds want to meet up with a nice 39 year-old... We have shitloads more experience, you know.

He hands me a slip of paper... Suspense builds as I open it. On it, written in very nice cursive is:

"James, #555-1212 I like your eyes. Call me some time..."

This has got to be a joke... I look at the kid and ask: "Eh, you're shitting me, right?"

"What's the matter?"

"For one thing, I'm not gay..."

"Oh, we thought you were..."

"Where the fuck did you ever get the idea that ever in a million fucking years I was gay???"

"Well, you never are with anyone, girls that is, and when we see you down at Leo's you're always with that guy..."

"Well dickweed, that guy is a buddy of mine, he's married with two kids. We're both straight!"

"Oh man, I'm so fucking sorry..."

"So I don't have a lady friend that you know of and enjoy hanging out with my buddy once in a while and that makes me gay? Some fantastic powers of deduction you have. Ok, I'll confess one thing. I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body! You'd better spread the word around that I'M NOT FUCKING GAY real Goddamn quick, alright?"

How in the world would anyone ever get the idea that I was a homosexual is beyond belief. I'm not in the least bit effeminate for Christ's sake.

Richard Simmons, now he's gay as the day is long and nobody is going to try to tell me otherwise.

But me?

Sure. I am not your usual guy. I cook and do other shit like that. I'm actually not afraid to cry sometimes. I know how to sew, and can even do embroidery. I do my own laundry and I even know how to separate the whites from the colors into two diffent loads. I can find the beauty in a butterfly drinking from a drop of dew early in the morning or in a West Virginia sunset. I'm extremely comfortable with certain feminine ways and I'm at the point in my life where I'm very comfortable with my manhood and don't feel threatened by homosexuals.

But I am NOT fucking gay! I'm so heterosexual I make John Wayne and Lee Marvin look queer.

Now you know why I say "What The Fuck" a lot...

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and laugh some more and contemplate a pedicure...

Copyright 2005 Thomas J Wolfenden