Thursday, April 20, 2006

An apology

Maybe it's my wayward Catholic upbringing but somehow, no matter how hard I try to do the right thing, I wind up having to apologize for something. No matter how trivial or inconsequential, I'm left feeling like everything is my fault.
So yet again I have to apologize.
I'm so sorry that the last two weeks I've worked well over 140 hours and can't spend my every waking moment when I'm not at work with you. I have other things to do like laundry, dishes and grocery shopping. The last four weeks the wash and dishes have piled up and if I don't do it, it's not going to get done. And I'm also sorry that I didn't ask you to do it like you suggested. I'm a big boy and can do that stuff myself. In fact I prefer to do those things myself and I'm sorry that I'd feel really odd having you do it for me.
I'm also sorry that I can't call you several times a day, every day and that I don't get cell phone service at the mine in Raven. I'm sorry I sleep during the day. I can't sit and chat for hours when I need to be sleeping and I'm sorry I can't have lunch with you six days a week. That's the middle of the night for me and it really screws up my circadian rhythm when I'm up that late and have to work that night.
I'm sorry I spend a lot of time with the Fire Department. You knew I did that and it was a very important part of my life when we met. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to skip meetings or trainings to be with you. That's right, I did give up my firefighter lever 1 course for work, but you aren't giving me a pay check every-other week and keeping a roof over my head and food on my table.
I'm sorry also that you feel a personal affront that I might even consider moving away form you, even if it is only 70 miles, to take a job with the railroad. You knew when you met me that was the biggest reason for moving here in the first place and takes priority over everything.
I'm also very sorry for not inviting you on my UK trip, but when I told you about it, it was my trip and I'm sorry I resented you for trying to worm your way into it somehow. I'm sorry, but that just wasn't going to happen.
Maybe there was a time in my life, about a year and a half, two years ago when after my marriage fell apart and I wasn't so secure in myself I needed that extra support but I'm sorry, I don't need that any more. I'm sorry I don't need a mother, wife, housekeeper or anyone else to take care of me. I'm not an invalid.
For all that, I'm truly sorry. For the past five weeks I'm sorry.
Can I get down off this cross now? These nails are really starting to hurt.
Copyright 2006 Thomas J Wolfenden

14 comments:

Kev said...

Best of luck, Tom.

cmk said...

There is a certain time in everyone's life where we have to start doing for ourselves and not have to feel guilty about "offending" others. I have only been at that point for about 5 years. It is very liberating to get to that point--glad you made it, Tom! Good luck on the rest of your life!

Okie said...

Resurrection!

Long live Ranger Tom!!

berly02 said...

Ya, I'm really pissed that you don't call! ;)
Just kidding.

Hope it all works out dear.
Let me know if I can do anything.

The Ramblin Hillbilly said...

Have a big fight did ya Tom?

Sherri said...

Um.....

Red said...

It sounds to me like you need to tell the person your writing to to climb down off that cross, use the wood to build a bridge and get over it!!!!!!!

tsduff said...

Making those decisions is hard - getting it out and talking about it is even harder. Hope it feels better soon.

Cheryl said...

Um? A bit confused but sufficed to say, sorry someone is giving your crap. Keep doing what makes you happy.

Ranger Tom said...

Kev: Thanks. I'm not sweating it.

cmk: I've been on my own since I've been 17, and I resent it when people (women) think because I'm 40, divorced and living on my own I can't seem to take care of myself.

Okie: Let's hope so!

Berly: Thanks. I appriciate it

Bill: No, nothing like that.

Sherri: Yes?

Red: Already did it...

Tsduff: Feels better already.

Cheryl: Don't be. I was the one confues for a time. And I don't take crap for too long anymore before I tell someone to pack it in.

Becky said...

So, Tom, how come you didn't call me?

Just kidding, man.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

And the exact things you just apologized for are the very reasons that I was able to write my last post about living for myself.

Sorry, but I gotta life of my own that I need to live for myself and not anyone else. I played that role. I became weary of it. I tried this new living-for-me thing and I feel refreshed.

Ranger Tom said...

Becky: D'oh!

ODG: It does feel great, doesn't it? I'm just sorry it took so long for me to actually do something about it.

The Ultimate Blonde said...

Well you realized that you must live ur life for you...yay!!