Maybe it's my wayward Catholic upbringing but somehow, no matter how hard I try to do the right thing, I wind up having to apologize for something. No matter how trivial or inconsequential, I'm left feeling like everything is my fault.
So yet again I have to apologize.
I'm so sorry that the last two weeks I've worked well over 140 hours and can't spend my every waking moment when I'm not at work with you. I have other things to do like laundry, dishes and grocery shopping. The last four weeks the wash and dishes have piled up and if I don't do it, it's not going to get done. And I'm also sorry that I didn't ask you to do it like you suggested. I'm a big boy and can do that stuff myself. In fact I prefer to do those things myself and I'm sorry that I'd feel really odd having you do it for me.
I'm also sorry that I can't call you several times a day, every day and that I don't get cell phone service at the mine in Raven. I'm sorry I sleep during the day. I can't sit and chat for hours when I need to be sleeping and I'm sorry I can't have lunch with you six days a week. That's the middle of the night for me and it really screws up my circadian rhythm when I'm up that late and have to work that night.
I'm sorry I spend a lot of time with the Fire Department. You knew I did that and it was a very important part of my life when we met. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to skip meetings or trainings to be with you. That's right, I did give up my firefighter lever 1 course for work, but you aren't giving me a pay check every-other week and keeping a roof over my head and food on my table.
I'm sorry also that you feel a personal affront that I might even consider moving away form you, even if it is only 70 miles, to take a job with the railroad. You knew when you met me that was the biggest reason for moving here in the first place and takes priority over everything.
I'm also very sorry for not inviting you on my UK trip, but when I told you about it, it was my trip and I'm sorry I resented you for trying to worm your way into it somehow. I'm sorry, but that just wasn't going to happen.
Maybe there was a time in my life, about a year and a half, two years ago when after my marriage fell apart and I wasn't so secure in myself I needed that extra support but I'm sorry, I don't need that any more. I'm sorry I don't need a mother, wife, housekeeper or anyone else to take care of me. I'm not an invalid.
For all that, I'm truly sorry. For the past five weeks I'm sorry.
Can I get down off this cross now? These nails are really starting to hurt.
Copyright 2006 Thomas J Wolfenden