Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Ask RT, week II

Dear RT,
I am 18 years old and I have a 6 month old child. Recently, rumors of my ex-girlfriend cheating on me reached my ears. By the time I heard, we had been broken up for nearly three months. Rumors of the child not being mine have also gotten back to me. I am taking one of those maternity (not a misprint...) tests in May, and if the results come out negative, the child might not be mine. How should I talk to my ex if the child isn't mine? I'm worried about confronting her.

WORRIED IN MONTANA
Dear Montana,
Here's a little bit more news to reach your ears. You're a fucking moron. You're 18, too young to be having sex in the first place, especially if you can't tell the difference between the words 'maternity' and 'paternity'. From what you've told me, the child most probably isn't yours anyway and you already suspected that because if you didn't you wouldn't be taking 'one of those maternity tests' to begin with. The kid is most probably the school football team's quaterback because you're just a pussy and chicks dig that kind of guy in the first place. Let's face it. You're probably one of those "Nice Guys" and women don't really want one of those. They want the big, stupid musclebound jocks. Nice guys always finish last. Here's my advice. Take the test to see if the brat is yours, and while you're at the doctor's office, have him sterilize you too, because someone as stupid as you shouldn't be breeding in the first place. As for talking to your ex about it, I wouldn't. Especially if the kid isn't yours, and it probably isn't.
Copyright 2006 Thomas J Wolfenden

7 comments:

cantellya said...

Oh hell! Effin' hysterical!
If newspaper columnists would be so brutally honest, I might read a little more!
It really is too bad that "Dear Abby" is so polite. LOL. Have a great evening!

Okie said...

Brutal, man. Just brutal. I agree with most of your "advice" but he should talk to the bastard kid's mother if for no reason other than to keep her from coming after him for child support.

Sherri said...

I feel bad for the poor baby.

Lisa said...

What is so very sad and scarey is that this situation isn't uncommon. It seems the skanky hoes and dumbasses are the most fertile people on the planet.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

Hysterical!

Nice girls always finish last, too, by the way.

Bev said...

And why is it you don't have your own column? Keep telling it like it is. Nice.

tsduff said...

It's only funny when I think its a joke... it becomes tragic when understood to be real.