Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Conspiracy theories

I've heard more than my fair share of conspiracy theories in my life, especially from my brother, who sees one behind everything. I've heard them all, from fluoridation of water, "Chem-trails" (where airliners are secretly spraying unknown chemicals all over the US in a secret Government project) Black helicopters, wiretaps, a "Shadow Government" secretly planning the takeover of the world, Freemasonry, the Illuminati. Hell, to listen to my brother the Knights of Columbus, Shriners and the Boy Scouts of America are all a part of this secret conspiracy to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids...
To this day, if you call my brother from a cordless phone or a cell phone, he'll hang up on you. Says the FBI, CIA, NSA, DIA and the rest of the Alphabet agencies are listening to everything we say on them compiling a dossier on ever person in the US...
Ok.
That being said, I've heard these nutty theories almost my entire life so I don't take them too seriously. The Apollo program was a hoax, Elvis isn't dead, he was a secret spy for the CIA and they had to relocate him. He's now running a 7-11 in Moosejaw, Saskatchewan and his name is now Myron Goldblatt.
I think the Mothership has my real brother and this one is just a android replacement...
So last night I'm listening to Coast to Coast AM again, and again, I must reiterate, for entertainment purposes only, and the first hour's guest is talking about the Titanic, being this past Saturday was the 95th anniversary of the sinking of that great ship. I'm sort of a Titanic buff, so it sounded interesting. That is until the host, George Nory, opened the lines for callers.
Up until that point the guest, who I've forgotten his name, was talking about new theories on why the Titanic sank, nothing Kafkaesque or Machiavellian, just different ways the ship broke apart and sank. Then this one caller posed this theory, and I had to listen really hard to make sure it wasn't my brother because it sounded exactly like what my bro would come up with...
Here's the theory, and it has nothing to do with the mechanics of a ship sinking:
Because John Jacob Astor, Benjamin Guggenheim and Isador Straus, all multi-millionaires and were strongly opposed to the formation of the Federal Reserve were on the ship, that the Illuminati sank the ship to kill these three men... Because shortly after the sinking, in 1913, the Federal Reserve was formed...
Ok, let's sink a multi-million dollar vessel and kill over 1,500 innocent people just to get three men?
Puleeze!
Just to give you an idea of the type of caller this show gets at 3 AM, the caller right before this guy suggested that "Some really rich guy, like Howard Hughes, spend the money to build an exact replica of the Titanic from the original blueprints, run it into an iceburg at full speed and see what really sank it."
I'll break out my checkbook right now for that little brain fart.
I have a few conspiracy theories of my own:
George W. Bush allowed 9/11 to happen so that the Christian Coalition, Ann Coulter, and Rush Limbaugh could invade The French.
George W. Bush rigged the 2000 election so that white men, gun owners, Rush Limbaugh, SUV owners, and Ann Coulter could upset Michael Moore. (Actually, anything that would piss off Michael Moore is ok in my book...)
Scotland Yard is trying to figure out whether or not a child of Fred Phelps on a northbound train headed for Newport wants to extract a DNA sample from The United States Supreme Court.
The FBI was told by visitors from the future that an illegitimate child of Elvis who escaped alive from the Bermuda Triangle is pregnant with the love child of a gigantic killer moth.
The Pentagon plans to impeach a woman who saw a vision of the Virgin Mary near a nuclear power plant is using earthquakes to destabilize George Clooney.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to wallpaper my apartment in tinfoil to keep the laser beams from Venus from taking over my mind.
Copyright 2006 Thomas J Wolfenden

13 comments:

Kev said...

I heard that OJ finally found the real killers - Jimmy Hoffa and and Amelia Earhardt. He found them in Iraq stockpiling weapons of mass destruction and drinking from the Holy Grail.

Sherri said...

LOL!! Excellent post! I was having a bad day, this really put a smile on my face.

Red said...

Don't forget that John and Robert Kennedy were both actually killed by agents working for Ted Kennedy to ensure that he would always have the largest head on the planet.

The Ramblin Hillbilly said...

You can't forget the one about saddam and osama having tea with tony blair and george w. in the white house bunker. Or the one about the government kidnapping people and brainwashing them for when they take peoples guns away they have sleepers in the population.

cmk said...

Now, let me get this straight: you're trying to tell me all of those theories are WRONG?!?!?! Oh, my, and I thought the World News tabloid was the only paper on earth that you could ACTUALLY believe! I'm crushed. ;)

Cheryl said...

I tried really hard not to laugh, but I had to. Do I dare ask how we're any safer on land-line phones? Didn't think so.

cantellya said...

Wal-Mart brand foil is best. Not that I know for sure, I'm just guessing....

Don't forget your metal helmet, either.

Ranger Tom said...

Kev: Henry Kissenger and the KGB were involved too...

Sherri: That's my job!

Red: Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my guns!

Bill: Don't forget the Pod People

Cmk: Shhh! It's a secret!

Cheryl: Your guess is as good as mine. I've never been able to figure out my brother

Cant: Can't forget the helmet! It's the most important part!

Colin said...

And here I am worrying about the Kangaroos multiplying in an attempt to take over this country!

yep, it's me.... said...

i am most impressed with 'the mother ship has my real brother' -

and i bet this thing signs me in as velma when we know she is looong gone.
think the ship got her too just felt there was no reason to leave a replacement :)

Ranger Tom said...

Col: Great to hear from you mate! Email inbound with new phone number... Haven't spoken to you in a while. How many chillins is it now, 14, 15?

V: Your secret is safe with me...

phlegmfatale said...

what's really freaking me out is that my brother goes on about the very same shit - could your brother and my brother be the same person? In fact, he got our baby sister all stirred up over the sinister additives to airliner fuel blah blah blah. I didn't want to insult him by telling him it's balderdash - he's SO emphatic - so I decided to placate him by saying if that was all true, we're neck-deep in the shit anyhoo and there's nothing we can do and no point worrying about it. I'm sure it didn't persuade him, but at least he shut up about it. Those eerie late-night radio shows about paranormal or conspiracy-related phenomena are a grown-up equivalent of sitting around the campfire telling spooky stories with the other kids from the neighborhood. Maybe it gives us a sense of order about the universe if there's still a boogeyman. Me, I have an acute inability to be superstitious- which is why I can be such a cocky bitch without fearing lightning striking me. I can barely believe what I actually see before me, let alone make an emotional investment in some hare-brained story of which there is no real evidence.

phlegmfatale said...

amazing. Yesterday my sister started talking about the "chem-trails" when we were on the phone. Puh-leeze!