Conspiracy theories

I've heard more than my fair share of conspiracy theories in my life, especially from my brother, who sees one behind everything. I've heard them all, from fluoridation of water, "Chem-trails" (where airliners are secretly spraying unknown chemicals all over the US in a secret Government project) Black helicopters, wiretaps, a "Shadow Government" secretly planning the takeover of the world, Freemasonry, the Illuminati. Hell, to listen to my brother the Knights of Columbus, Shriners and the Boy Scouts of America are all a part of this secret conspiracy to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids...

To this day, if you call my brother from a cordless phone or a cell phone, he'll hang up on you. Says the FBI, CIA, NSA, DIA and the rest of the Alphabet agencies are listening to everything we say on them compiling a dossier on ever person in the US...

Ok.

That being said, I've heard these nutty theories almost my entire life so I don't take them too seriously. The Apollo program was a hoax, Elvis isn't dead, he was a secret spy for the CIA and they had to relocate him. He's now running a 7-11 in Moosejaw, Saskatchewan and his name is now Myron Goldblatt.

I think the Mothership has my real brother and this one is just a android replacement...

So last night I'm listening to Coast to Coast AM again, and again, I must reiterate, for entertainment purposes only, and the first hour's guest is talking about the Titanic, being this past Saturday was the 95th anniversary of the sinking of that great ship. I'm sort of a Titanic buff, so it sounded interesting. That is until the host, George Nory, opened the lines for callers.

Up until that point the guest, who I've forgotten his name, was talking about new theories on why the Titanic sank, nothing Kafkaesque or Machiavellian, just different ways the ship broke apart and sank. Then this one caller posed this theory, and I had to listen really hard to make sure it wasn't my brother because it sounded exactly like what my bro would come up with...

Here's the theory, and it has nothing to do with the mechanics of a ship sinking:

Because John Jacob Astor, Benjamin Guggenheim and Isador Straus, all multi-millionaires and were strongly opposed to the formation of the Federal Reserve were on the ship, that the Illuminati sank the ship to kill these three men... Because shortly after the sinking, in 1913, the Federal Reserve was formed...

Ok, let's sink a multi-million dollar vessel and kill over 1,500 innocent people just to get three men?

Puleeze!

Just to give you an idea of the type of caller this show gets at 3 AM, the caller right before this guy suggested that "Some really rich guy, like Howard Hughes, spend the money to build an exact replica of the Titanic from the original blueprints, run it into an iceburg at full speed and see what really sank it."

I'll break out my checkbook right now for that little brain fart.

I have a few conspiracy theories of my own:

George W. Bush allowed 9/11 to happen so that the Christian Coalition, Ann Coulter, and Rush Limbaugh could invade The French.

George W. Bush rigged the 2000 election so that white men, gun owners, Rush Limbaugh, SUV owners, and Ann Coulter could upset Michael Moore. (Actually, anything that would piss off Michael Moore is ok in my book...)

Scotland Yard is trying to figure out whether or not a child of Fred Phelps on a northbound train headed for Newport wants to extract a DNA sample from The United States Supreme Court.

The FBI was told by visitors from the future that an illegitimate child of Elvis who escaped alive from the Bermuda Triangle is pregnant with the love child of a gigantic killer moth.

The Pentagon plans to impeach a woman who saw a vision of the Virgin Mary near a nuclear power plant is using earthquakes to destabilize George Clooney.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to wallpaper my apartment in tinfoil to keep the laser beams from Venus from taking over my mind.

Copyright 2006 Thomas J Wolfenden