Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Ask RT!

Thanks to Cantellya & Tsduff, I have few "Dear Abby" letters to answer... So without further ado, here I go!

DEAR RT:
I have a friend who is incredibly self-conscious about her appearance. She is only 30 years old, petite, beautiful (both inside and out), but RT, she wears so much makeup she looks like a hooker.

Friends have hinted that she doesn't need so much makeup. I have also tried to suggest tactfully that she would look much better if she toned down the cosmetics, but she insists she "needs" it to hide her wrinkles. RT, she should not worry about the wrinkles -- it's her makeup that ages her by at least 10 years.

Because she is my friend, the comments people make about her bother me. Telling her again is useless, but maybe if she reads this letter in your column she will recognize herself and take the hint. -- A TRUE FRIEND
Dear True Friend,
I didn't realize you were elected to the Fashion & Style Police. If this so-called friend of yours is so beautiful on the inside as you put it, what difference does it make what kind and how much makeup she wears? It's all about what feels right for her and how she feels about herself, not what other people think of her. There's too many whiny people in this world trying to change others into what they think they should be. If she wanted to dye her hair lime green, get a parrot and wear an eye patch like a pirate, what business is it of yours? Maybe your friend likes looking like a $20 an-hour prostitute, ever think of that? As for her wrinkles, maybe she does look like a Chinese pug without all the caked foundation filling in the fissures. She might have had a really rough paper route. My canny intuition is telling me you are the one put off by her and are embarrassed to be seen with her. So stop worrying about her you suffering, intolerant little prig. Take a good hard look at yourself next time before you point your greasy little fingers at other people. Go fuck yourself and mind your own damn business! With friends like you, who needs enemies? You seem like the type of friend who after they wrote this asking for advice, would neatly clip it out of your local newspaper and place it on her desk at work to mortify her even more. But the more I think about it, it's not really your friend this letter is about. You want her to look better around you so people don't think you're the whore, right? Guilt through association. You couldn't really care less about your friend, could you? Piss off!
See, I can be sensitive!
Copyright 2006 Thomas J Wolfenden

12 comments:

Kev said...

Best damned advice column ever. I can't wait until this picks up. Perhaps in five years we'll see Ranger Tom vs. Dr. Phil every afternoon on ABC.

The Ramblin Hillbilly said...

Beautiful man, just plain beautiful. And sensative too we need to get you a national column.

DivineMsN said...

Oh my :)

Sherri said...

I loved this! Everything you said was absolutely right on.

I've caught myself worrying about a friend or two before, and how they've changed, etc.

cantellya said...

LOL! This is great! If only "Dear Abby" had been this honest!

Red said...

Friggin' hilarious and sooooo true!!

Cheryl said...

funny! I see a whole new career path for you!

tsduff said...

Well, I can see you cut straight to the heart of the matter - so much more titillating to read than Dear Abby.

Lisa said...

Holy cow you give some tough love. You are so funny!

Oh and I saw your comment on my recent post. I had to laugh. I should have cleared that up and said, "To make a woman like ME happy, being ok with doing what the girl wants ensures a happy marriage." (Because I like to be the lead dog.)

yep, it's me.... said...

so true

Ranger Tom said...

Kev: Dr. Phil is a pussy

Bill: The nation couldn't handle me

MsN: What?

Sherri: There's too many people out there worrying about what other people are doing...

Cant: She's politically correct

Red: Ain't it though?

Cheryl: Think so? Thanks for the vote of confidence!

Tsduff: I've never thought of myself as "titilating" before... Hmmm.

Lisa: Tough Love has nothing on me...

Velma: It's only the beginning!

Carolyn said...

Somewhere along the way, you missed your calling ;)